Like the cherry trees at Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, my cousin Rickshala Tarkovka’s imagination was in full bloom last week after my blog post about Panti Bliss, Ireland’s most famous drag queen and self-described “gender discombobulist.” As our family’s official historian, Rickshala contributed today’s top “true” story about the role drag names played in the freeing of the Tarkovkas in the 14th century.
THE EVOLUTION OF DRAG NAMES DURING EARLY KARAOKE IN RUSSIA
In 1344 in the motherland of Russia, which was ruled by Czarina Whoretense II, daughter of the late Czar Vomitatious IV, lived a wildly liberal family, the Tarkovkas. Being Jewish, they were not allowed to have a hut or a hovel or even a hole, so they all lived on their only possession: their Yak, Mathilda. She was a very tired girl having over 30 people atop and under her, but she stayed the course.
The family accepted everyone and everything and had no prejudices, even against the Cossacks who each had to kill 12 Jews every week to fulfill their quotas.
The word spread among the peasants, serfs, fifes, slaves, servants, soldiers, rabbis and even to the Orthodox Christian patriarch Ostentatious I, that there was a liberal family. Liberal in old mother Russia meant only one thing: using drag names for even those who weren’t dragging anything. Dragging was the only occupation allowed to the Jews and even to the non-Jewish peasants and underlings of the empire of the Czarina Whoretense II.
So the Tarkovkas started creating clever drag names for all the drags and draggers.
There was (translated from the Cyrillic and Hebrew and Yiddish texts): Ida Ho, Demanda Dollar and her sister Anita Dollar, the ever voluptuous star of early Karaoke, Lotta Vagina, Tornado Warning, Rhea Listik, Onya Neeze, Ella Vader, Lauren Order, Helluva Bottom Carter, Lois Common Denominator, the triplets Cher Nobel, Cher Able and Cher Will, Anna Conda, Patty Melt, Juana Bang (Spanish influence in Russia), Annie Depressant, Rue Bella, Eileen Dover and, of course, Orna Mint, to name a few.
Then the Tarkovkas organized the first Karaoke event. The entire family, using a chosen drag name, dragged their chains and shackles into the Kremlin square, and in front of Czarina Whotetense II started singing a cappella the great national song of the Jews, “Oy, It Hoits.”
Overcome with emotion, the Czarina awarded the Tarkovkas the keys to the city, as well as one Kopeck per Tarkovka. And with those 30 Kopecks, the everlasting freedom for the Tarkovkas was purchased, so off they went to populate and drag their names to posterity. Mathilda was freed and became the mother of all modern Yaks and their descendants. They made it to freedom and the city of Yakima, Washington is obviously named after them.
A special shout out to hometown drag queen Trixie Mattel. After Monday night’s “conjoined twins” main challenge on Season 7 of RuPaul’s Drag Race, this talented and hilarious Mattel doll is now back in the running to become “America’s Next Drag Superstar.” Trixie had been eliminated in a puzzling decision after “lip-synching for her life” on Episode 4. But now, along with some Barbie booty padding, that’s all behind her. Go, Trixie, go!
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