Seeing photos of Adele strolling her two-year-old son through Disneyland dressed as Princess Anna from the movie Frozen made me admire the pop star even more than I already do. I wondered though her reaction the first time her boy asked to wear a princess costume. Like a lot of parents of little boys, chances are she wasn’t expecting him to want to dress in a sparkly tulle skirt.
Of course the best possible response is, “So what?” But for some parents of toddler boys who want to dress in clothes that the general public says are only “girls’ clothes,” it can be confusing and worrisome. I know, because that was me 24 years ago. And it can still trigger concern today.
I know that because I got a letter from a dad recently whose four-year-old son was wearing his mom’s heels, wrapping a towel around his head for hair, and pretending other clothes were a skirt. He wrote:
“This is all so new to us. My wife and I are very concerned about him getting teased and bullied if he expresses any of this in preschool or out in public.
“He’s asked to grow his hair longer and we’ve agreed to allow him to do that. But as for the heels we told him yesterday that he’s getting older and can’t wear mommy’s clothes anymore. Seems to be ok with it. Still loves to hold a scarf because it has tassels at the end and he sees it as hair or pretends it’s a girl. It’s probably his version of a doll since we don’t have any of those. Please pass along any advice you could share. We want our son to be happy, but also don’t want him teased.”
I appreciated this dad Roger’s letter so much. It took me back a couple of decades to the time Harry’s dad and I were worried about him being teased or bullied for the same reasons. We wanted our child to be happy, too, and I shared that with Roger. Here’s the rest of my reply:
“From my point of view, a kid’s happiness comes from the freedom to be and express who they know themselves to be. And it sounds like Justin is a boy who likes expressing the so-called “feminine” side of his whole being. It took me years to recognize that each child – each adult – has traits that our society has deem as either masculine or feminine, but they’re really just the characteristics that make a complete person.
“While I understand you want to protect Justin, I think it’s important that you not become Justin’s first bully by not allowing him to do or — as I think you so accurately stated — ‘express’ his likes or dislikes regarding clothes, toys or colors. We’ve been taught those things have a gender, so there may be a little unlearning to do on your part.
“If Justin is in preschool, I wonder if they have a ‘dress-up corner,’ or ‘drama corner.’ Many do, as imaginary play is important for kids. Maybe providing a dress-up box for Justin would allow him some freedom to explore himself. I made a lot of mistakes with Harry, but I tried to guide myself so that I never made Harry feel like his outlets of expression in play were ‘wrong’ or something he shouldn’t be doing.
“And I’m all for boys having a baby doll, because I think caring and nurturing play is going to help them be better fathers some day.
“Perhaps the best way for you to protect Justin at preschool is to talk to the administrators and ask what they teach about gender expression. And how do they handle children teasing those who express outside the rigid gender boxes?
It’s kids like yours who are going to bust all those myths, not just for other children, but for adults, too. At some point you may have to explain to Justin that while some people think there are ‘girls’ colors’ and ‘girls’ toys,’ there really is no such thing. And that may take examining your own beliefs, too. I recognize that I had a double standard when it came to those things.
“There are two wonderful books I recommend you and your wife read. The first is called Gender Born, Gender Made, by Dr. Diane Ehrensaft, the developmental and clinical psychologist who wrote the foreword to My Son Wears Heels. The other is Raising My Rainbow, by Lori Duron. I only wish I’d had those books when Harry was two. While I want to be able to help you in whatever way I can, I can tell you that the love you have for Justin will be your best guide.”
Ideally the parents of gender-nonconforming or gender creative children will become gender creative parents, giving their kids the freedom and time to explore their inner gender self. I hope little girl who wants the thrill of waving a light saber and every toddler boy who wants the chance to cradle a baby doll gets their wish. Because in the end, those freedoms mean they’ll feel loved, safe, and valued.
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“When gender nonconforming means not fitting in.”
I will always remember Harry’s tie-dyed skirt. I think that was his fav for about 3 years or so? It made him so happy even though we weren’t sure what to make of it all at the time. It didn’t stop him from enjoying romping around in it and being himself. Kudos to you and Ken for letting him wear it and encouraging his creativity!
Aww, thanks, Kat! And please don’t forget the sweatshirt you designed for him of sequined, glittery teddy bears. I think he wore out that garment. I know it was made with love. 🙂 Jxo
I am proud to know that my dear, dear cousin Juliska is our newest, bravest and kindest Dear Abby or in Russia it would have been Shoena Abala.
A bully is a nasty coward and the more this is talked about on all forums the better for all of us. I think of my children and grandchildren and the effect bullying might have had on them. Of course I put a stop to it before it happened by employing Yak Bulls to bully and that scared the bullies away from my children.
Its good to keep a Yak around for that purpose. If you don’t have a Yak, then do the Yak’s work and stand up to the bullies and keep the conversation going and keep writing to Shoena Abala. She’ll set you straight-oops or bi or gay or trans or whatever.
Thanks, Rickshala. There’s always a nugget or two in your yakking. 🙂 Russia, the U.S. or Tahiti, family want to protect the youngest among them. So it makes sense that kids know they’re loved, feel their value and learn to respect others regardless of their differences. As for being a Shoena Abala, ask away! xo
Wonderful advice, as always, Julie. Your photos show that you understood and valued your son’s choices from an early age. It’s a beautiful thing!
Thank you, Dawn! As a tale teller in Motherland, I know you’ve experienced that joy that comes from seeing your child so tremendously happy at play. Julie xox