Having a child who pushes boundaries when it comes to clothes, makeup, and hair can often create worries for their parents. The mom who wrote to the editors at My Kid Is Gay asking for advice on how to handle her biggest fear also had some doubts about herself. My reply follows her questions below that were sent in anonymously.
“My son, who is gender nonconforming, tends to push boundaries when it comes to clothes, makeup, and hair. I personally don’t mind, but I worry that it makes him a target for bullying. Should I talk to him about it or not? I don’t want him to think I’m ashamed of him, although I admit there have been times that I’ve gone places with him and wished he would have dressed more traditionally because I knew the people we were meeting were fairly conservative. Does that make me a bad mom?”
Both of your sincerely honest questions here are so important that I had a difficult time deciding which to answer first here. But I want to address the last one upfront, because the doubt you’ve cast on yourself being a good mom doesn’t benefit you or your son. From your lead-in description of him, I can tell the anxieties you’re feeling are grounded in love, respect, and a desire to protect him from adults resistant to cultural change as well any unaccepting peers. To recognize that gender nonconformity is synonymous with pushing boundaries tells me that you are most certainly a champion mom.
The people with conventional views over how a boy dresses are the ones whose beliefs need to be challenged.
You understand your son’s gender expression as a means of self-exploration and discovery, and I’m sure he knows that. In fact, your lead-in statement recognizing and validating his creativity is all you need to remind yourself of when meeting with the “fairly conservative.” The people with conventional views and raised eyebrows over how a boy dresses, styles their hair, or what they apply to their face are the ones whose beliefs need to be challenged. And please know, too, that your son’s boundary pushing in the name of fashion, self-confidence, and personal power will eventually create positive change for others like him.
I can relate, though, to the secret feeling of letting him down by wishing at times that he would dress differently. I had a strong twinge of guilty embarrassment too when my now-27-year-old son, Harry, informed me he’d be accepting his high school diploma wearing five-inch, red stiletto heels to match his cap and gown. I begged him to re-consider. I worried he’d be judged by the conservative parents in the auditorium for pushing the personal expression envelope a bit too far. I was also concerned that his graduation outfit would somehow reflect poorly on my parenting skills.
However, the cheers and applause that broke out as Harry sashayed across the stage at his commencement in killer heels filled me with a mixture of relief and pride. My son was being celebrated for having the confidence and personal power to simply be himself! While his dad sat next to me taking photos, I joined the hands clapping their approval for our son. I also realized that Harry’s graduation ceremony was all about him, not about me. It was his focus on freedom of expression and the accompanying joy that mattered most, not the social comfort of his parents or anyone else.
The real lesson for us moms of gender nonconforming children is something they already decided for themselves.
Like your son, my kid Harry’s strong sense of self, creativity, and elements of surprise had no doubt pushed our society’s comfort zone of “sameness,” and very likely made people think differently about established gender norms. The real lesson for us moms of gender nonconforming children is something they already decided for themselves: what other people think doesn’t matter.
As for your son’s school life, I think it’s natural for the mom of a transgender or gender nonconforming child to fear for their safety. I used to worry, too, that my son would be bullied for his gender expression, and that was long before the Human Rights Campaign reported study results that found that LGBT youth are twice as likely as their peers to say they’ve been physically assaulted, kicked, or shoved. We now know that today’s widespread cyber bullying can also be just as devastating as being bullied in real life. So yes, it’s important for you to check in with your son about bullying, and I do think there are ways to ask about it without projecting your fears onto him. For example, without asking a direct question about the possible bullying behavior of others, you could tell him you’ve been wondering how the other students have reacted to his personal style, or ask how the fashion sense of others holds up to his.
12% of millennials identify as transgender or gender nonconforming.
I assure you chances are good that your son isn’t the only breaker of gender norms at his school. GLAAD’s 2017 Accelerating Acceptance report that found 12% of millennials identify as transgender or gender nonconforming. This is the same generation familiar with the “beauty boys” of YouTube and Instagram, who have anywhere from hundreds of thousands to more than a million followers.
I admit I used to worry, too, about how my son would be treated at school. I wanted him to fit in, but I quickly learned another important lesson: fitting in means being accepted for who you are. In addition to helping keep your two-way line of communication open, your interest in reactions to his gender expression assures him that you’re proud of him, there for him, and will always have his back.
As the good mom that you are, continue to examine your feelings of worry for the lessons that reside there. Celebrate your child for the amazing human he is. Finally, repeat often: my gender nonconforming son tends to push boundaries when it comes to clothes, makeup, and hair. He’s really on the leading edge of thought, and that bodes well for the future of all kids.
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“When your son wants to wear eyeliner to Catholic school.”
We gave no boy clothes or girl clothes in our home, and we don’t apply any different restrictions for going to school than being at home (except to put something on over your underwear!). It was a heartbreaking but vitally necessary parental duty to explain to my gender expansive children that there are people out there who behave poorly to those they perceive to be different. They learn how to navigate with confidence and pride.
Your kids are so fortunate to have such loving and open minded parents, Glenn. And just hearing about that necessary conversation breaks my heart, too. I can tell that your home is filled with freedom, and just the place to nurture self-esteem and self-love. My very best to all of you. Julie xo
In the old country everyone wore a shmata (rag) and were lucky to have one, so our ancestors were trailblazers. No one cared since everyone was wearing shmatas and they were stylish.
Everything is in the eye of the beholder-attitudes, preconceptions, beauty, ugly and judgment overall. So let our eye be wider and filled with wonderment at creativity and freedom and most of all acceptance.
More humor from the old country, Rickshala. I do come to expect it! And as always, it’s followed by beautiful words and wisdom for the ages. Thanks so much, dear cousin. xoxo
Your ability to write the perfect reply to anyone astounds me! I mean that in the most loving way! You are the most fabulous, wonderful person I’ve ever met. I’m writing this with tears in my eyes! How I wish I could be as helpful as you in life. I love you, Julie!
Oh, Renee, you are such a dear. And one amazing woman. Plus, don’t forget “loud talker with occasional potty mouth.” 😉 I assure you that your energy and spirit give a boost to everyone that gets to know you. Big love and hugs, my friend. Julie xo
Terrific article! I have seen for myself how millennials are far more accepting of gender nonconforming people. My daughter and her friends have been very accepting of my wearing nail polish and makeup at times. I learned I didn’t have to keep it hidden from my daughter. Being in my 50’s, I wish I had been born later and could have spent more of my life being myself.
Thank you, James. You’re so kind to take the time to write me. And I’m so happy to know that your daughter accepts and celebrates your hidden talents. As enlightened millennials, it sounds like she and her friends know that expressing your true self is what life is all about. Much love to you, Julie xo
Hello! I myself am a gender-nonconforming teen (and identify as agender) and I find this article really true-to-life and helpful. Most of us have decided that what everyone else says about you means nothing if what you say about yourself is different. All of us – children and adults alike – should be proud to dress as we want without gender roles stopping us. I enjoyed reading this article, and hope you’ll keep writing!
Dear Random Teen, Believing in yourself and what you know in your heart to be true is going to have such impact on the world. And I believe in you and that “most of us” you mention. Knowing that you all are the next generation of leaders gives me so much hope for the future. I’m with you all the way. Thank you! Love, Julie xo