Blog Archives

This past weekend, deconstructing Christmas became absolutely necessary. More pine needles lay under my tree than remained on the branches. And Saturday was the last day of the Sanitation Dept’s scheduled tree pick-up. All I had to do was unstring the mini-lights, vacuum up the needles, and pack up three new ornaments, gifts from my sister and two friends who know my passions. And also know that I usually have a decked-out tree. But I ran out of time for full-on tree decorations. As it turns out, those sparkly ornaments prompted my mantras for the New Year. I realized the three ornaments -- all pictured here -- told a holiday and New Year's short story of love, truth, and self-determination. I share the story with you now as my inspiring, supportive mantras for 2022 and beyond.

Love is love.

Transgender people exist.

Be proud of your shine.

“Harry, can we talk about pronouns for minute?” I asked my 31-year-old millennial kid recently. “Is this your annual check-in, Mom?” I smiled. “Well, yes, I guess it is.” I know using someone’s correct pronouns shows respect. So, I wanted to stay on top of Harry’s pronoun usage. I first asked Harry about gender pronouns eight years ago. At that time, Harry was listed on Facebook as my daughter, with she/her pronouns. Soon after, Facebook added the gender-neutral pronoun “they.” And Harry simply became my child. The term nonbinary didn’t exist in relation to gender in 2013. But Harry hadn’t fit inside the box of specifically “he” or specifically “she” since toddlerhood. Harry chose “they” on Facebook because it was the only gender-neutral option at the time. Nowadays, friends, family, and clients interchange all pronouns when referring to Harry. And I do the same. But a recent bio blurb Harry wrote used only “they.” “Should I be using only “they” for you exclusively?” “Mom, I just don’t care,” Harry told me, as they have many times. “How people refer to me has no bearing on how I feel about myself.” But let me assure you that a lot of people do care. Their personal pronouns are just that – personal. They align with our gender identity. Using a person’s correct pronouns shows respect. Misgendering someone by using incorrect pronouns is a sign of disrespect.

Who Doesn’t Want to Be Respected?

• Generation Z, those aged 18-24, will soon surpass millennials in the workforce. And one in six Gen Zers knows someone who uses they/them pronouns.
• Two percent of the world’s population has red hair. At least two percent is transgender, nonbinary or gender nonconforming.

Make safe spaces.

I loved getting the chance to talk about the commonalities of leadership and parenting. Many thanks to Out Leadership's Fabrice Houdart, managing director of global equality initiatives, for interviewing me this week. We talked about generational shifts taking place in the workplace. And I shared a few thoughts on how achievable it is for leaders to become more empathetic and inclusive. And the last segment is for any LGBTQ+ adult who struggles with a non-accepting mom on Mother's Day. The full interview follows. For Mother’s Day, our very own Fabrice Houdart interviewed Super-Mom Julie Tarney, author of My Son Wears Heels, who wrote so eloquently about her journey parenting a gender nonconforming child from toddler to adulthood and since then has been training thousands of executives on how to challenge their own misconceptions about gender identity and gender expression.

Julie, as a baby boomer businesswoman and parent of a nonbinary millennial, do you have any thoughts on what effect generational shifts happening in the workforce might have on corporate initiatives for LGBTQ+ inclusion?

1 in 6 Gen Z adults identify as LGBT.

You talk to business executives, particularly in companies that are at the beginning of their D&I journey. What do you think moms can teach CEOs?

CEOs should want happy employees.

I also learned to examine my own double standards.

While LGBTQ+, gender nonconforming and nonbinary visibility is at an all-time high, allies must also be visible.

Know your value, trust yourself and your feelings.

[caption id="attachment_8916" align="aligncenter" width="640"] My kid could be fired in 21 states just for being who they are.[/caption] Transgender Day of Visibility (TDOV) honors and celebrates the lives of transgender and nonbinary people. They are our colleagues, clients, friends, neighbors and family. TDOV  helps raise awareness of how much work still needs to be done for trans and nonbinary folks to live safely and thrive, free from bias, discrimination and acts of violence. This is where we come in. Trans allies like me must also be visible on Transgender Day of Visibility – and every day – to help create welcoming, respectful and trans-inclusive spaces.

Not sure how to be a trans ally?

Be aware.

Respect pronouns.

Do your own research.

There’s a chance you haven’t yet heard about International Pronouns Day. The observance, which occurs on the third Wednesday in October, began three years ago to encourage widespread respect, sharing and education about personal pronouns. The singular "they" pronoun probably sparks curiosity. To some, it creates confusion. Whatever your take, singular "they" is here to stay.

Word of the Year.

Some people are ‘they.’

Respect pronouns.

Be inclusive in group settings.

Practice.

Be sincere.

This Sunday is National Coming Out Day, the LGBTQ+ holiday that celebrates lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, nonbinary and gender-nonconforming people for being exactly who they are. And as the name implies, the day encourages LGBTQ+ folks to share their identities for the awareness and visibility required in the movement for full equality. Whether or not someone comes out on National Coming Out Day, the holiday recognizes the sometimes-difficult journey of self-discovery and the courage it takes to share their full identity with family, friends, co-workers or the world.

Why ‘courage’ is an operative word.

• 78% of youth not out to their parents as LGBTQ hear their families make negative comments about LGBTQ people.
• 48% of LGBTQ youth out to their parents say their families make them feel bad for being LGBTQ.
• Only 24% of LGBTQ youth can “definitely” be themselves as an LGBTQ person at home.

• One fifth (20%) of LGBTQ Americans have experienced discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity when applying for jobs. (Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, 2017)
• 53% of LGBTQ employees heard lesbian and gay jokes, 37% heard bisexual jokes and 41% heard transgender jokes in 2018. (HRC)
• Nearly two thirds (59%) of non-LGBTQ employees believe it is “unprofessional” to discuss sexual orientation or gender identity in the workplace. (HRC, 2018)
• Even in inclusive workplace environments, LGBTQ individuals still see a risk of their relationship with their manager, team member or clients changing for the worse. (Catalyst Research)

Be ready to support someone who comes out to you.  

• Someone comes out to you because they trust you. Thank them for trusting you enough to share their true self with you. Ask how you can support them.
• Educate yourself. If you hear a new term or need a quick refresher on the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity, your search engine is just a click away.

No glitter, plastic gems or sparkly rhinestones decorated the valentine I gave my kid Harry this year. I’m usually drawn to cards with the same items Harry uses for the beat face of his alter-ego drag persona, Amber Alert. But a shiny red embossed word “Sassy” on the card rack caught my eye instead. Underneath the adjective, read its definition: lively, bold and full of spirit. Add in self-assured and stylish, and you’ve got quintessential Harry and Amber. Our Valentine dinner convo turned to the Academy Awards’ Mister Rogers opening number by another sassy, queer entertainer, Janelle Monáe. Then I revealed to Harry my love for Mister Rogers.

I didn’t like Mister Rogers.

A singular vision of love and kindness.

Making a difference.

The maleficent U.S Education Secretary Betsy DeVos kicked off the school year by visiting a private school that bans transgender students and teachers. At the same time, the New York City Department of Education (NYC DOE) implemented new Guidelines to Support Transgender and Gender Expansive Students for public school-based teachers and staff. While those two events are diametrically opposed, two other facts go hand in hand. Transgender students or students who are gender nonconforming exist.  And like all kids, they have the right to attend school free of fear. So, it is undeniable that we need transgender awareness in schools. Every. Single. Day. As a PFLAG NYC Safe Schools Program presenter, I see firsthand – in classrooms and at professional development workshops – how necessary these new NYC DOE guidelines are.

The whys behind the need.

Guidelines are necessary.

• Nearly 84% of trans and 70% of GNC students were bullied because of their gender.
• Over 4 in 10 trans/GNC students faced gender-related discrimination at school.
• Almost half of trans/GNC students were required to use the incorrect bathroom.

The "musts".

• All staff and students must refer to students by chosen names and pronouns, and non-permanent records must reflect these.
• Students must be provided access to facilities consistent with their gender identity asserted at school.
• Students must participate in all school activities in accordance with their gender identity.
• Any staff member must immediately report student-on-student harassment, discrimination, bullying and/or intimidation.

Let me assure you. The age at which your child comes out about their gender identity and/or sexuality can vary. And they may come out to you more than once. I speak from experience. My adult nonbinary kid Harry came out to me five times. The first time was at two years old, when he said, “Inside my head I’m a girl.” That was my 1992 introduction to gender identity, even though I’d never heard the term before. I felt confused, worried and fearful. I didn’t know what Harry’s toddler-truth would mean for them, or for me. As a result, I watched as Harry explored and played with gender throughout grade school. After that, Harry came out in high school as bisexual, and then gay. I understood sexuality, so that was easy. Later, in college, Harry told me he genderqueer and queer. I had a lot of questions about using the word queer comfortably! As my memoir went to print, Harry identified as nonbinary. That was another new word for me. There may be newness for you, too, about a child’s highly personal gender and sexuality journey. So, I want to share five things to know when your child comes out.

1. You will not be the first person your child comes out to.

2. When your child comes out to you, they are sure in that moment.

3. Your vocabulary will improve.

4. You add "ally" to your job title.

5. It’s not about you.

Photos of singer-songwriter Sam Smith wearing heels publicly for the first time at the British GQ Awards in London Tuesday night uplifted me all week. When I first saw the photos posted on their Instagram account, my heart burst with rainbow, unicorn and red high heel emojis. And for the uninitiated, the photo above is not Sam Smith wearing heels. That’s a shot of my kid Harry, who also wears heels, taken in 2007 when he was a junior in high school.

“As I was walking to my front door I stopped and listened to my heels clonking against the floor. And I just thought ‘FUCK YES’!! There was a time where I thought I’d never ever ever be able to be myself like this in front of the industry or anyone. It feels so good and I just wanted to share that with you all.”

Sam Smith's gift.

My Son Wears Heels Memoir Turns 3!

Keeping up.

My kid Harry – aka drag artist Amber Alert – flies home tomorrow from Berlin, Germany. Amber performed Saturday night at Bushwig Berlin, the drag festival held during Christopher Street Day Berlin, one of the biggest LGBTQ gatherings in Europe. And I realized that exactly one month ago, five million people and I took to the streets of New York City. We marked the 50^th anniversary of the uprising at the Stonewall Inn, celebrated WorldPride 2019 and joined the NYC Pride March or the inaugural Queer Liberation March. (I so wanted to be in two places at once!) In the weeks leading up to WorldPride, a number of my LGBTQ baby-boomer buddies and family spoke of memories over the last half-century. Remember that in 1969, the American Psychiatric Association considered being gay a mental disease. And being gay was a crime in every state but Illinois. One gay friend spoke of a bartender who told him point-blank in the seventies, “You’re not going to get served here, so leave.” Another close friend remains amazed at how far the Pride Movement has come. “Not only do we enjoy hours of coverage on television,” he said, “but people say Happy Pride in the same way they wish their friends and family a Happy Thanksgiving!" But he still remembers when the AIDS epidemic struck and people were afraid of gay people. “Most didn’t want to shake hands,” my dear friend told me. “A lot didn’t want to be in the same room with someone who was gay. The Studio 54 days, when everyone wanted to be us, were definitely over.” He lost nearly 200 friends during the AIDS crisis, and spent most of the 80s visiting them in the hospital. Yes, there’s been progress. If you have health care, AIDS is no longer a death sentence. Marriage equality is the law of the land. There are federal hate crime protections. And it started in the most impactful way when LGBTQ people, led mostly by trans women of color, decided to take a stand against police brutality and violence at a gay bar on Christopher Street. But we have long way to go. You can still be fired today in 28 states based on your sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression. Violence against the trans community, especially black trans women, is out of control. The current Republican adiminstration has launched more that 100 attacks against LGBTQ people, including transgender kids in K-12 public schools. And in the context of WorldPride, being gay still makes you a criminal in 70 countries, punishable by death in 11 of them. But culture can’t be stopped. That’s what made Stonewall 50 combined with WorldPride NYC so important this year. It is strength in numbers, demands for equality, fair treatment, and safety protections under the law for all citizens of the world that will continue to move us forward. When Harry left for Berlin, I searched for how many Pride marches there are around the world. There’s an event somewhere in the world every month except December. That means thousands of people taking to the streets and A LOT of visibility. (In some countries, unfortunately, Pride events are illegal.) I like to think about WorldPride 365. Yearlong activations that bring LGBTQ people and their allies together to advance humanity. People see us and hear us when we march down the street. Stories have the power to change hearts and minds. And activism helps enact legislation across the U.S. and around the globe. Each of us can make a difference in the lives of others. IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU'LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "My Gay Pride glow segues to fireworks of freedom." "Gay Pride is an outlook." "Rainbows, pride and drag-queen nostalgia."

My brother thinks I’m stuck in the past. He didn’t tell me that directly. But he did mention it on the phone recently with my kid Harry, who turned 29 this year. I laughed when Harry told me. Surely my frequent posts on social media of photos of Harry from toddler to teen prompted Uncle John’s comment. There were several on my Instagram last week  honoring Harry’s dad’s awesomeness on Father’s Day. But here’s the thing: My past experience parenting a nonbinary child is most definitely someone’s present. We’ve made a lot of progress understanding gender identity, sexual orientation and gender expression. There are now some 200 LGBTQ characters on cable television and streaming services that have contributed to our collective knowledge.Still, there are adults who aren’t sure exactly what those three terms mean or how they differ. Many of the uninformed are the parents, family members and caregivers of children and teens who don’t fit into the two-option-only categories of gender and sexuality. Others will become their teachers or future employers. We need to understand these LGBTQ kids, respect them, and make ways for them to belong just as they are. They’ve been around since the beginning of human existence. And I’d say they make up at least 20 percent of our population.

Here are some important trend statistics from studies in 2016-17:

• Only 48 percent of 13-20-year-olds (Generation Z) identify as “exclusively” straight, compared to 65 percent of millennials aged 21-34;
• More than a third of Generation Z believes that gender does not define a person as much as it used to, while only 28 percent of millennials felt the same way;
• Over half, 56 percent, of Gen Z say they knew someone who went by gender neutral pronouns such as “they/them,” compared to 43 percent of people 28-34 years old.

As for the millennial to baby boomer comparison:

• Twenty percent of millennials identify as something other than strictly straight and cisgender (someone whose gender lines up with the gender they were assigned at birth), compared with seven percent of baby boomers.

Here are some disturbing statistics from a 2017 Human Rights Campaign/University of Connecticut study of LGBTQ teens:

• More than 70 percent of LGBTQ teenagers report feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness in the past week;
• Only 26 percent say they always feel safe in their school classrooms -- and just five percent say all of their teachers and school staff members are supportive of LGBTQ people;
• Sixty-seven percent report that they’ve heard family members make negative comments about LGBTQ people.

And then there are these startling statistics from a recent workplace study by the HRC:

• Forty-six percent of LGBTQ workers say they are closeted at work, compared to 50 percent in HRC’s groundbreaking 2008 report;
• One in five LGBTQ workers report having been told or had coworkers imply that they should dress in a more feminine or masculine manner;
• Fifty-three percent of LGBTQ workers report hearing jokes about lesbian or gay people at least once in a while;
• Thirty-one percent of LGBTQ workers say they have felt unhappy or depressed at work.

Many children learn that gender is simple. There are boys and girls; boys behave one way, girls another. Modern researchers have explored girls’ experiences with limiting stereotypes. At the core of those limits are beliefs that women are innately caring, nurturing and fragile. When it comes to understanding how rigid boundaries of masculinity can hurt boys, however, our culture is off to a slower start. So it's important to examine how we talk about what it means to be a man. For example, do emotions really have a gender? You’ve heard the directives. “Man up.” “Boys don’t cry.” “Be brave.” “Be a man.” It all starts with what some experts call “the man box.” Inside this box are a narrow set of qualities that many boys and young men are told are necessary to be an ideal man: toughness, physical strength, power, courage and financial success. The lesson? “Real men” don’t express emotions or show empathy. Studies show  that many parents across the globe are more likely to talk about feelings and discuss emotional topics with daughters than sons, even as infants. Gillette’s recent headline-making TV ad calls out a lot of these assumptions, and slams them down one by one. The “man box” has real consequences. Researchers connect this impossibly narrow perception of manhood to clinical depression in men. They cite men's difficulty in expressing emotions other than anger for fear of being seen as girly or feminine. But feelings shouldn’t be denied or suppressed because society erroneously equates them (and women) with weakness. The truth is, emotions don't have a gender and every emotion is valid.

No boys left behind.

If your child has come out to you as LGBTQ,  you may doubt your ability to be a good parent, as I did. Or you may fear for their safety due to bullying or harassment, as I did.  But the HRC reports positive outcomes for LGBTQ youth whose parents are supportive and accepting. Those outcomes include greater self-esteem and resilience. Here are 4 things your LGBTQ child needs you to know and do:

1. Coming out is a process. 

2. There’s no right way to be a boy or a girl.

3. Words Matter.

4. Have their back. 

What do drag queens and children have in common? They love dressing up and all things sparkly and fancy. Drag Queen Story Hour (DQSH) is just what it sounds like. Fabulous drag queens reading storybooks to children in public libraries, schools, children's museums, bookstores and community events. I've seen firsthand how these magical literary events capture the imagination and gender play of kids ages 3-8 and give them glamorous, positive and unabashedly queer role models. Children are able to see people who defy rigid ideas about gender and imagine a world where people can present as they wish. Drag Queen Story Hour is where dress-up is real! Created by writer Michelle Tea and RADAR Productions in San Francisco, the nonprofit Drag Queen Story Hour now has chapters all over the world. Events have been held in more than 100 cities. The first time I attended a DQSH in Brooklyn, Queen Witti Repartee kicked off the hour by getting close to 150 kids and families members on their feet to dance the Hokey Pokey. Then she read three picture books, including one of my favorites, Jacob’s New Dress. Afterwards, as the kids colored pages from The Dragtivity Book, a grandfather in a red shirt came over to tell Witti that he’d learned something from her. He might have been the only person there older than me, and I wondered what it was he’d learned. Maybe he realized that drag is just about creating a character to express another side of who you are. Or maybe it was how a loving parent can support a boy who wants to wear a dress.

Help Drag Queen Story Hour Fight Back Against Right-Wing Attacks

Here's What You Can Do 

“If you can teach people to love themselves, it makes it a lot easier for them to love other people.” –Queen Harmonica Sunbeam

Here’s what we adults can do.

1. We must teach children to be kind.
2. It's our job to teach children to be accepting.
3. Children must learn that it’s okay to be different.
4. We must teach children that it’s okay to be gay.
5. All kids should know that love is love.
6. We must teach children that hate is never okay.
7. Everyone can work to ensure that schools, churches, neighborhoods and homes – and our own workplaces – are safe and welcoming spaces for all people.

1. Your child asked you to.

2. Your child’s life is always about right now.

3. Your child’s emotional well-being depends on your intervention.

Advice on how to talk to your parents.

International Pride Month may have officially ended, but there’s something to keep in mind about the months July through May. People of all sexual orientations, gender identities and gender expressions need safe spaces to be their true selves every day of the year. That means feeling the respect, support and inclusiveness of the people around them. Here are four simple ways to be a year-round LGBTQ ally.

1. Don’t assume everyone is straight.

2. Educate yourself.

3. Be aware of the issues.

4. Start a conversation.

Lately I’ve been thinking about my one of my kid Harry’s iconic influencers. A stencil Harry made of her and hand-colored with makeup his senior year of high school hangs in my guest room. His drawing of her famous, humanly impossible arabesque pose appeared in his notebooks. Harry even wore a t-shirt to my hometown book launch that featured a striking image of her with rhinestone-studded bowler hat and a cigarette clenched between her teeth. She's singer/songwriter, actor, James Bond flick icon and former supermodel Grace Jones. And she's still my nonbinary kid's role model.

Decades of Grace.

My nonbinary kid's role model is a true diva.

A possibility model.

  While they/them used as singular pronouns may be confusing at first, you probably already use them without even noticing.  In my latest advice piece for MyKidIsGay.com I reply to a parent who's struggling with the switch to their adult child's gender-neutral pronoun. (Did you catch the "their" there?)  I'm hopeful the tips that follow below will help keep you from messing up, too. "My problem is that I rarely see my child because she has so much resentment that she doesn't visit her parents very often. So there is little opportunity to practice the they/them pronouns as they are never around. And when they does come around if we mess up it's quite a dramatic thing for them where they starts to cry and feels deeply deeply offended. So frankly the whole thing is quite ridiculous when there's this expectation of perfection in changing to a different pronoun because the fact is that this is happening at the level of procedural memory where it occurs automatically. We can't just change pronouns without thinking about every single sentence." If you want to see your child more often, I want you to know that is possible. It’s also in the realm of possibilities to have a close, trusting relationship with them. Now here’s the thing, it’s going to take real effort on your part. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. And I know you can do it. You switched to they/them/their pronouns in your letter above, right? Let’s start from a place of compassion. First, have compassion for yourself. You’re worried about your current parent-child relationship. Maybe you’re concerned you’ll lose that child from your life permanently. Those stresses may be adding to the pressure you feel to use different pronouns, making it all the more difficult to focus on using they/them/their consistently. Those feelings are real. Your child’s feelings are real, too, so try to think with compassion about them as well. Personal pronouns are fundamental. They/them pronouns are now inextricably linked to your child’s identity, and using the correct pronouns validates their personhood. It says, “you’re important and we respect you for who you are." I suspect that their tears and being deeply offended when you mess up are because they feel hurt. Your words and actions matter to them. Whether you realize it or not, not using they/them pronouns is interpreted as a refusal to acknowledge and accept your child. Pain builds up quickly when one feels invalidated time and again. The correct singular usage, by the way, is “they are.” They/them pronouns are used in the exact same way when you’re talking about a single person as when you’re talking about a group of people. While using they/them pronouns for an individual may seem like a challenge, chances are you already use those pronouns without realizing it. If you found a cell phone, I bet you’d say, “Somebody lost their cell phone,” referring to a single person. Right? That being said, mistakes do happen. However, think about how you react when you’ve messed up. Do you tell them “the whole thing is quite ridiculous”? That they’re expecting too much of you? That they’re too sensitive? That you can’t just change overnight? Do you roll your eyes and shake your head? Or do you apologize immediately and correct yourself? I couldn’t help but notice how the tone of your letter changed after describing how emotional your child gets when you use the wrong pronouns. How you respond to their reaction is equally as important. If you’re serious about mending your relationship with your kid, it is absolutely necessary moving forward to use your child’s pronouns. After all, it’s up to you to make your child feel loved, understood, and respected. Here are a few tips to help you.

Practice, practice, practice.

Think before you speak.

Visualize.

Be sincere.

Gender identity. The sex we’re assigned at birth. Sexuality. Gender expression. The world’s straight majority, of which I am one, often misunderstands the intersection of those things for people who are gay, bisexual, trans, queer, and intersex. In her new documentary, Between the Shades, Director Jill Salvino puts faces to the letters that make up LGBTQ+ and explores how those letters have evolved. It's a provocative film that examines the immense power of labels and, ultimately, the transcendence of love. Of course, for some in the queer community there is no singular label that fits. As one person in the film explains, labels are what society attempts to put on you, while identity is how you define yourself. I know that from my adult kid Harry, who has no pronoun preference and whose gender expression defies labeling. He’s one of the 50 participants in the documentary who shares experiences, feelings, and viewpoints, with complete candor and tremendous heart. In fact Harry is the first face you'll see on the trailer for Between the Shades. Please watch. Between the Shades premiered at the SOHO International Film Festival last year. Since then the full-length feature has been showing at juried film festivals around the country. You can see it at QFest in St. Louis on April 7 and at the Thin Line documentary film festival in Dallas, April 20-21. Between the Shades will soon have national distribution. And negotiations are underway to make the film available to schools, where kids need to hear positive and empowering messages about diversity.

There is really no better way to understand people than to hear them tell their own stories.

America Needs This Movie

My friend’s 30-something nephew told us about the seven weddings he attended around the country over the past several months. He’d also been to his share of couples’ showers. “I guess the gender reveal parties are up next,” he groaned. Ugh, I thought. I first learned about these new pre-birth parties a few years ago and thought it was a joke. The recent season of the Grace and Frankie web TV series featured a gender reveal party. And now the term was apparently rolling off the tongues of 30-somethings. I did a Google search when I got home and sure enough—gender reveal parties have gone mainstream. The first image was of Party City’s “Girl or Boy Gender Reveal Party Kit for 16.” Another showed an Etsy shop’s custom pink or blue-filled baseballs or golf ball “bombs” for the big “reveal.” [caption id="attachment_7699" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Image: WHFarmsInc[/caption] For the unfamiliar, expectant parents get their friends and family together for a party where the gender of their baby is “revealed.” Sometimes even the parents don’t know beforehand. So the ultrasound tech writes down the sex of the baby and seals it in an envelope. A bakery then makes either a pink or blue-centered cake for the party. (By the way, just for background, it wasn’t until the 1940s that the generally accepted rule of pink for boys and blue for girls was switched up. That’s when children’s clothing manufacturers and retailers arbitrarily decided to reverse gender-specific colors in their advertising.)

Sex vs. gender.

All on the same gender page.

The sex and gender basics.

  If someone asked me to name a gay or queer icon, my go-to responses would most likely be a glamorous female celebrity singer, like Cher or Diana Ross. But, Karen Carpenter? Uh, no. So when singer-songwriter Justin Vivian Bond described Karen Carpenter as a queer icon during a solo tribute performance to the Carpenters Thursday night, my jaw dropped.

Karen & me.

My son who wears heels & Karen.

Karen & Mx. Justin Vivian Bond.

“She gave voice to all young queer kids’ insecurities.”

Rainy days and Mondays.

My kid Harry's first exposure to Middle Eastern dance came courtesy of Disney. The animated flick Aladdin played non-stop at our house for a couple of years in the mid '90s. Jasmine and her long black hair became the star of his Barbie collection. The song "Prince Ali" was his favorite dance tune. He loved the beat and the moves. If he'd asked to take "belly dancing" classes, I might have wrestled with the age-old "What will other people think?" A mom wrote to MyKidIsGay.com wondering the same thing. I learned a lot answering her question. You'll see from my reply below why I now put quote marks around "belly dancing." "My GNC son is 9 and recently discovered belly dancing. He is teaching himself from YouTube videos that I have carefully prescreened. He’s good at it and I’m kind of proud of his grace and fluidity, but I am very conflicted about indulging an interest that most of society perceives as highly sexualized. Would I be letting a daughter do hip and belly rolls? We’ve set ground rules. OK at home but not appropriate out in the world until he’s older (our 'make-up is for middle school' rule.)" Wow…a nine-year-old boy who’s good at belly dancing? That’s amazing! I can understand how proud you are of his poise and dance abilities. Seriously, have you ever tried an abdominal roll? I wish I had that much coordination and body control. Most of society knows very little about the origins of what we call “belly dancing” – I have to admit I didn’t know much either. I learned a few things since receiving your question.

Here's what I did not know:

• The correct name for “belly dancing” is Middle Eastern dance.
• Middle Eastern dance dates back to 1000 B.C.
• Middle Eastern dance is part of the culture in many Arabic-speaking countries.
• Children learn their country of origin’s folk dances from grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins at weddings and other family celebrations.
• The name “belly dance” was adopted in the U.S. when Middle Eastern dance premiered at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair. (That was the Victorian era. Ahem.)
• The term “belly dance” is considered fairly offensive in the Middle East, where it’s called Raqs Sharqi (pr. rock sharky) and translates as “oriental dance.”

Society has it wrong.

Anticipate questions.

My grown kid Harry, a.k.a irreverent drag queen Amber Alert, first performed drag in pre-school. His debut theatrical show was in the after-school program in first grade. He insisted on taking a dress and feathered boa from his dress-up box to school. He was staging a production of 101 Dalmations, in which he’d cast himself as Cruella de Vil. I don’t see as many of Amber’s shows as I’d like. Her gigs often begin at midnight or later. So I was excited this week when she told me she’d be in a show that started at 8pm. She was reprising her Ivana Trump character for a show curated by the leftist performance collective Citizens United. A little background: On November 8, 2016, Citizens United gathered a group of drag queens, poets and punk musicians to commemorate what they assumed would be the election of the first woman president of the United States. On January 18, 2017, they reassembled on the eve of our first fascist inauguration. This week, one year later, they convened to (re)consider: “What Happened?”

Laughter in the orange-colored face of adversity.

A Hidden Valley dystopia.

No laughing matter.

  An entire New Year stretches before us! Like many, I’ve set my intentions on what I want to accomplish this year. I remain passionate about helping create positive change for transgender and gender nonconforming kids. I want to see their parents love them more and worry about them less. And I also want to work harder to make our world a safer and more equal place not just for transgender and gender nonconforming kids, but all LGBTQ+ people. I’m a list and post-it note person. I set monthly, weekly and daily goals for myself. You probably have a list or calendar filling up, too. But I know how we feel about ourselves moment-by-moment is what really counts, regardless of the day or the year. I was reminded of that this week at neighbor Nicole’s fourth birthday celebration. Her 7-year-old cousin Ray had an important nonverbal message for everyone in the room. As for Ray’s dad, well, not so much. Ray, Nicole and the other kids danced to Disney tunes in the middle of the room with feathered boa from the “Take a Selfie!” prop table. They spun around, jumped and giggled. Ray proved quite the dancer, twirling his green, yellow and purple boa overhead like a rhythmic gymnastics ribbon. At a song break, the girls left the dance floor. They exchanged their boas for sparkly crowns, Mardi Gras beads and oversized sunglasses. They posed against the “selfie” backdrop while an aunt took photos. Ray kept dancing. Ray didn’t care that he was by himself. His grin filled his whole face while he mastered more moves with the flowing feather boa. That’s when Ray’s dad walked over and took away the boa. “You don’t need that,” he said. Ray stopped dancing. His face fell. “He does need that!” I wanted to say. But I didn’t know his dad or Ray for that matter. All I knew was that in the moments before, Ray had been full of spontaneity and joy. Later, Ray and the girls were back on the dance floor with their feathered boas. Ray’s dad called him over. “Give me that,” he said, sliding the boa from Ray’s neck. “You’re getting feathers all over the place.” Ray opened his mouth to speak, but instead turned and walked away. I’m sure he noticed that while there might have been a feather or two on the floor, no one was taking boas away from the girls. Again, I held my tongue, and it was hard for me. I had just witnessed a father controlling the behavior of his son. So I knew Ray’s father expected him to conform to society’s established ideas about what’s appropriate for children to play with. His dad had assigned a gender to an accessory and was teaching that to Ray. Was Ray confident in those moments? Did he feel good self-esteem? Ray’s wide eyes and downturned mouth said probably not. He looked confused, and I didn’t think he was feeling too good about himself at that moment. As a result, I feared someday Ray would be made to feel shame for his choice of playthings or activities. Maybe Ray is a gender nonconforming kid, maybe not. Either way, I was reminded that more parents and families need to see toys as just toys, colors as just colors, clothes as just clothes and kids as just kids. To create positive change in our society we need to bring up confident, hopeful, optimistic and resilient children. We need to empower all kids with the freedom of expression and joy that comes naturally to them. And we do that moment by moment, with love, acceptance, support and respect.

For the families of transgender, gender nonconforming & all kids.

1. I will approve of myself, my characteristics, my abilities, my likes and dislikes, my inclinations and disinclinations, realizing that these form my unique individuality. I have them for a reason.
2. I will approve of and rejoice in my accomplishments, and I will be as vigorous in listing these – as rigorous in remembering them – as I have ever been in remembering and enumerating my failures or lacks of accomplishment.
3. I will remember the tremendous energy, joyful spontaneity, possibilities and potential that lie within me to create that which I can imagine for myself.
4. I will realize that the future is a probability. In terms of everyday experiences, nothing exists there yet. It is virgin territory, planted by my feelings and thoughts in the present. Therefore I will plant accomplishments and successes, and I will do this by focusing on how I want and expect the future to be for me.

The so-called leader of the free world recently banned the CDC from using the word "transgender," along with six other words and phrases, including "diversity" and "vulnerability."  He may think he can erase LGBTQ people, but queer people -- including transgender youth -- have existed in every generation throughout world history. And, no, they will not be silenced or erased. I'm happy to share the blog posts that readers' clicks picked as the the most popular in 2017. I think these five speak to the hope of a better future that exists for transgender youth, gender nonconforming kids, and self-described nonbinary Millennials. And I wasn't surprised that my big Halloween mistakes were included in the top picks. We can all learn from our own and each other's screw ups! Each numbered subhead below is a link. If you'd like to do your own year in review, you can scroll through all 2017 posts here.

1. Transgender kids are changing the world.

2. Fighting for kids in the gender revolution. 

3. We must rise up for transgender children. 

4. President Obama's letter to moms of LGBTQ kids.

5. This mom's biggest Halloween mistakes.

Transgender youth deserve our attention.

Four-year-old Mateo is convinced there’s a Santa Claus. I mean if you can text your gift wish directly to one of Santa’s elves at the North Pole, he has to be real. Right? And the elf’s reply to him was “right there” on the mobile phone of his neighbor, who’s six. So Santa has to be real. No Santa screwup there, if you ask me. But before his text exchange with the elf, Mateo’s mom told me he had asked her repeatedly: Is Santa real? Is Santa real?

The Good Answer

“I still wish I could have had a complete do-over on the Santa question.”

A Tough Conversation

"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."

Reality Suspended

Kids know what they like when it comes to toys. The more progressive among us have picked up on that. We've moved beyond the gender-stereotyped toys that limit kids' choices at play. Even some retailers have eliminated the pink aisles and blue aisles altogether, dividing toys by type instead of by gender. So what happens when your child has a gender-nonconforming holiday wish list, but your relatives always default to the gender stereotyped "boy" toys? That's the tricky question the parent of a seven-year-old sent in anonymously to the supportive folks at My Kid Is Gay. The full question and my advice follow. "My son likes all things pink and sparkly and has always preferred "girl toys" like dolls and dress-up. The holidays are a weird time, though, because his aunts and uncles still gift him "boy" toys that he couldn't care less about. They say they don't have a problem with it but are pretty conservative and I'm not sure they would be on board with buying a 7-year-old boy nail polish. Is this something I can talk to them about, or should we just keep accepting the gifts graciously year after year?" Your son sounds delightful – and wise, too. He knows sparkly things are fun for everyone. He’d probably have a high five for my artist neighbor, too, who describes pink as “the happy color.” As for your son’s conservative aunts and uncles, I’m sure you’d agree that they could use a little loosening up! But how to do that without the conversation being uncomfortable for you or them is the next question. Relatives who gender stereotype their nieces and nephews often have a difficult time stepping outside of the status quo on child’s play. Even though more and more people and toy stores alike are coming around to the idea that toys have no gender, there are still plenty of people who still see child’s play as black and white or, in this case, pink or blue. I imagine their brains’ electrical wiring misfires at the mere thought of their nephew polishing his fingernails. The idea just doesn’t compute for them. But thanks to the plasticity of the human brain, a thoughtful shift in expectations is possible. You know all the hats you wear as a parent. There’s personal assistant, personal shopper, chauffeur, fix-it expert, head cheerleader, and snuggle specialist, to name a few. Well, sometimes there are the added duties of gift-recipient advocate and relatives’ educator. The challenge with that special ops assignment is how to present your case in a nonthreatening way, so I understand your hesitancy to even broach the subject with them. A phone call without warning might put them on the defensive. Even bringing up the stereotyped toy issue in a regularly scheduled chat could catch them off guard. And that might be uncomfortable for all of you. My suggestion is to skip the call and just send a warm and very brief email instead. Think of it as a little nudging communication from you that ideally will trigger some new thinking, re-learning, and practice on their part.

Here’s what I might write if I were in your shoes:

• A nail polish set
• The game Twister
• Smooshins Surprise Maker
• Kids Walkie Talkies
• A Toys R Us gift card

The out-of-towners.

The red ribbon that symbolizes support for the fight against HIV/AIDS filled my phone screen. I saw First World AIDS Day Observed Worldwide and the date 1988.  I took in my daily early morning lesson in LGBTQ+ history on the free mobile app Quist.  My mind flooded with memories of my close friend Harry S., one of the namesakes for my own Harry. And my heart ached. Harry S. was an artist and designer living with AIDS in Los Angeles. He was smart, movie-star handsome, and one of the most fun people I've ever known. Harry was also friends with Pee-wee Herman. We were all in New York City at the same time in June, 1992. Harry and I had a dinner party for Pee-wee and some friends, and we cooked bow-tie pasta. Six months later, Harry died on Christmas Eve, at the age of 36. That was the year the clinical trials of new combination drug therapies had begun, and the year President Clinton established a new White House Office of National AIDS Policy.

There’s a piece of my flannel shirt in a quilt dedicated to him in the AIDS Memorial Quilt.

AIDS EDUCATION POSTERS NOW ART COLLECTION

THE ORANGE MENACE’S MENACING PROCLAMATION

But here are the facts:

• An estimated 36.7 million people are living with HIV/AIDS around the world, with 1.1 million of those residing in the U.S.
• In 2015, 48 percent of those diagnosed with AIDS in the U.S. were African-Americans.
• The Centers for Disease Control in 2014 found that gay and bisexual men made up an estimated 70 percent of new HIV infections in the U.S.
• While data on the transgender community is limited, the CDC also found that an estimated 22 percent of all trans women are HIV positive.

I boarded the Hilton hotel’s airport shuttle behind a mom and her tween. I wasn’t sure if they’d flown into Newark or taken the train like me. But I knew without exchanging more than a smile that they were headed to the Youth and Family Day at Gender Conference East, same as me. As a co-presenter, I wanted to come the night before to attend the Family Meet and Greet. The mom-tween pair slid into the first row of seats and as I sat down behind them I had the eerie sense that I was seeing counterparts of Harry and me, if he were now 12 years old instead of 27. The child looked like a younger version of Harry, with long, curly hair, chiseled features, soft eyes, and an easy smile. They wore a purple, green, and yellow print pencil dress over thick neutral-colored leggings. The look could have been pulled right from Harry’s wardrobe. The mom, petite like me, wore jeans and sneakers, with her thick wavy hair pulled back. “I’m really excited to be here,” the child said. They rested their head on mom’s shoulder. "Last year I was nervous, but now I’m excited to see the kids I met last time.” The mom might have been nervous the year before, too. I remembered how lonely and in search of support I'd felt being the mother of a young child whose gender identity and gender expression differed from the majority of kids -- those that fit society’s established gender norms.

A sense of loss washed over me for not having had what this mom and child were about to experience.

Without a young child, I was definitely the observer.

DOZENS OF GENDER & LGBTQ+ CONFERENCES AROUND THE WORLD

When Mara Keisling, executive director of the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE), held up a “TRANS AF” t-shirt at a fundraising event in New York City Monday night, the question that popped into my head was, Transgender Air Force? "When I first saw it," she said, "I thought people were going to think it was for some sort of Transgender Air Force." I wasn’t sure why laughter broke out.  Then she explained for those of us (like me) who were "old" like her that AF is modern-day slang for "As Fuck." Based on everything she told us about the NCTE Action Fund, I couldn’t wait to slap on a “FIERCE AF” sticker and order a “FIERCE AF” t-shirt. And if I’m not saying “fierce as fuck” every day, I’m surely thinking it as I focus on actions needed to fight the actions taken by the most anti-LGBTQ President and administration in our country’s history. These are deeply troubling and often-terrifying times for transgender and gender nonconforming people, especially trans and gender nonconforming children. People are being harmed. And if you’re a person of color, Muslim, an immigrant, a woman, or disabled, we know that discrimination is compounded.

“We have not come this far to only come this far.” ~Mara Keisling

Here’s what the Action Fund will be able to do:

• Endorse and help to elect transgender candidates;
• Mobilize trans voters and their families with new tools;
• Hold policymakers accountable when they attack the trans community to show them the price of discrimination;
• Fight bills at the state and federal levels that take aim at transgender people, especially those targeting children;
• And elect a president that believes in fairness for everyone.

I watched children in my neighborhood follow their mom or dad into the nearby Halloween Spirit store after school yesterday. I smiled, because I know how kids love  the fantasy and imaginative play of Halloween. But then memories of my worst Halloween mistakes as a mom flooded in.

BIG HALLOWEEN MISTAKE #1

I worried about what others might think of his dad and me for letting our boy be a girl.

BIG HALLOWEEN MISTAKE #2

WHAT GENDER CREATIVE KIDS NEED

• Children’s gender identity and expression develop over time, and they may or may not match society’s established gender stereotypes.
• Kids need freedom of expression to discover themselves.
• There is no such thing as “girl” or “boy” clothes, toys, colors or costumes.
• A happy child’s likes or dislikes are not about you.
• Let your child be. Especially at Halloween.

NON-STOP QUEENS

MY TOP PIX FROM BUSHWIG 2017

#STILLMYVICEPRESIDENT

The Joe Biden quotes I typed into my phone:

Having a child who pushes boundaries when it comes to clothes, makeup, and hair can often create worries for their parents. The mom who wrote to the editors at My Kid Is Gay asking for advice on how to handle her biggest fear also had some doubts about herself.  My reply follows her questions below that were sent in anonymously. “My son, who is gender nonconforming, tends to push boundaries when it comes to clothes, makeup, and hair. I personally don’t mind, but I worry that it makes him a target for bullying. Should I talk to him about it or not? I don’t want him to think I’m ashamed of him, although I admit there have been times that I’ve gone places with him and wished he would have dressed more traditionally because I knew the people we were meeting were fairly conservative. Does that make me a bad mom?” Both of your sincerely honest questions here are so important that I had a difficult time deciding which to answer first here.  But I want to address the last one upfront, because the doubt you’ve cast on yourself being a good mom doesn’t benefit you or your son. From your lead-in description of him, I can tell the anxieties you’re feeling are grounded in love, respect, and a desire to protect him from adults resistant to cultural change as well any unaccepting peers. To recognize that gender nonconformity is synonymous with pushing boundaries tells me that you are most certainly a champion mom.

The people with conventional views over how a boy dresses are the ones whose beliefs need to be challenged.

The real lesson for us moms of gender nonconforming children is something they already decided for themselves.

12% of millennials identify as transgender or gender nonconforming.

My first face-to-face with iconic LGBTQ rights activist Edie Windsor was actually an encounter with only the two-dimensional images of her that appeared on signs and homemade masks carried by marchers in the 2013 New York City Pride Parade. Her face was everywhere that day. Edie was a grand marshal of the march that year, but just days earlier the U.S. Supreme Court had delivered a landmark decision in her United States v. Windsor case, ruling that couples in same-sex marriages were equally entitled to all federal spousal benefits. And just like that, 84-year-old Edie Windsor became a national hero. Her victory led the way for our country's highest court to declare marriage equality the law of the land in June 2015. And still, the courageous light that was Edie Windsor (June 20, 1929 - September 12, 2017) continued her passionate fight for freedom, equality and justice among LGBTQ communities, especially young people. Of all the stories I’ve read since her passing this week, the one that triggered instant tears was an account by HuffPost's Mollie Reilly of Edie's reaction to the Supreme Court’s ruling in her favor. She had been thinking about the future of LGBTQ kids. “I cried, I cried,” Windsor said of when the ruling came down. “Children born today will grow up in a world without DOMA,” she said. “And those same children who happen to be gay will be free to love and get married – as Thea and I did – but with the same federal benefits, protection and dignity as everyone else.” When I met Edie Windsor face-to-face, I knew we were both thinking about LGBTQ+ youth -- about their future to freely be themselves, to love and be loved, and their protections under the law. It was the same night the Republican Administration announced its withdrawal of federal guidance that protected transgender and gender-nonconforming students in public schools from being discriminated against based on their gender identity.

I watched the firecracker that was Edie Windsor jump to her feet applauding, and I felt her energy ignite the room.

As for being a freedom fighter, she was the real deal, with a spirit that exuded love and positivity.

“Don’t postpone joy." --Edie Windsor

[caption id="attachment_6821" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Early reader Harry, age 10 months[/caption] Thousands of kids in New York City went back to school this week, headed for classrooms and a school library filled with books to stimulate imaginations while teaching diversity among people, places and perspectives. And while teachers and librarians work to instill a love of reading, I want to laud two new books that speak to identity, personal expression and acceptance of differences. I share them with a sense of urgency today, because yesterday I read an article about the West Chicago Library refusing to remove an LGBTQ picture book about a Pride celebration from its children’s section. According to the story, the host of a conservative Christian podcast complained about the images in the book and wanted it “at the very least” moved to the shelves for parents. [caption id="attachment_6820" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Photo: Amazon[/caption] I haven’t read This Day in June, by Gayle E. Pitman, but the images I see on the cover depict people of different ages and colors celebrating all types of families at a Pride festival. And what child can’t relate to rainbows, hearts, dress-up, parades and community? In fact, it was the so-called-Christian complainer’s 3-year-old daughter who pulled the book off the shelf in the first place. Here's what I know: Fear is learned. Hatred is learned. Intolerance of differences is learned. Transphobia and homophobia are learned. And none are learned from children’s picture books at the public library.

The uniqueness of others is something to be cheered, not feared.

I opened the email confirmation my kid Harry sent me for her* upcoming flight to Toronto and smiled. The ticket had been issued to “Sister” Harry James. I immediately flashed on Harry and her neighborhood bestie Erica dressed up as nuns for Halloween 2002. I was surprised Harry hadn’t chosen the name prefix “Mx” from Air Canada’s list of options. (Mx is the gender-neutral equivalent of “Mr” or “Ms” and the obvious option for nonbinary people, like Harry.) For fun, when booking travel for the two of us in the past, I’ve chosen the title Doctor or Rabbi for Harry. So I thought she was just playing along. But I soon realized it was I who had overlooked the obvious. A few days after sending me her passenger info, Harry took me to see the monthly sell-out drag show, “Nightgowns,” curated, produced and hosted by Sasha Velour, winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 9. In addition to her recent celebrity as American’s Drag Superstar, Sasha is also creative director of Velour: The Drag Magazine and a notable queer Brooklyn-based artist. Let me just say this about Sasha and me: She is a remarkable human being, and I am a huge fan. It was at "Nightgowns," in an onstage introductory convo between Sasha Velour and her co-host Olive d’Nightlife, that I came to understand what I thought might be the true meaning of “Sister Harry.” [caption id="attachment_6687" align="aligncenter" width="500"] l to r: Sasha Velour and Olive d'Nightlife[/caption] Cocktails in hand, Olive raised her glass to celebrate the beautiful third edition of Velour. “And now we must toast to the theme of this magazine,” she said. “Sisters and sisterhoods, those that you’re born into and those that we get to create.” “Especially the ones we get to create using our fabulous queer sensibilities,” Sasha replied. “To all of our families that nourish us and create us.” I felt a tingling run from my scalp to my fingertips. And as the audience whooped and applauded, I was filled by the love in that space. I turned for a second to pat Harry’s arm. I knew in that moment that my kid was part of a big and powerful community, a family that would always be there for her even when her born-into family wasn’t close by. I understood Harry referring to her drag artist friends Charlene and Lucy, among others, as sisters. And I felt I knew Sister Harry a little bit better, too. [caption id="attachment_6741" align="aligncenter" width="500"] l to r: Sisters Charlene and Harry. Photo by: Gypsy Hill[/caption] Lastly, Sasha and Olive toasted to drag, to all the kinds of drag. And according to Sasha, the more different the types of drag the better. She gave props to drag kings, drag queens, trans performers, non-binary artists, lady queens, and trans lady queens. Then she challenged us to think of other kinds of drag. “The future of drag is not complete without all of us,” she said. “We will not rest until drag beauty is everywhere.” [caption id="attachment_6740" align="aligncenter" width="450"] Sasha Velour's lip-sync performance to Edith Piaf's "No Regrets" (in English)[/caption] Inspired by the sisterhood of drag performers, I couldn’t wait to devour every page of Velour #3. When I'd finished, the magazine was filled with dozens of pastel-colored sticky tabs marking passages that had taught me something new or made me think hard about what it means to be a creative person with “fabulous queer sensibilities” and identify as a drag sister. [caption id="attachment_6758" align="aligncenter" width="375"] Velour: The Drag Magazine[/caption] In the editor’s letter, co-written by Sasha and Olive, Sasha describes drag as a showcase for how beautiful, glamorous, funny and emotional it can be to live free from strict gender roles, or binaries. My eyes brimmed reading that, because I had witnessed that same beauty, humor and joy in Harry as a toddler. Whether dancing in a bridal gown she’d created with a roll of toilet paper at age 2, twirling a tulle skirt in the kindergarten drama corner, or layering pieces from her own dress-up box, my little drag-queen-in-the-making’s heart was filled with pure joy – the joy that I have since come to recognize as the purpose of life. That innate happiness is effortless for children who are given the freedom to express their inner selves fully and openly. And I know that joy can be tapped at any age. Reading the “Sister” issue of Velour magazine confirmed what I already knew to be true: drag queens are insightful and intuitive uplifters. They represent the creative spirit in all of us to project our creativity and inner beauty outward, for all to enjoy. I’m grateful that Sister Harry – and her drag persona Sister Amber Alert – have their close-knit drag sisterhood. I know they are cared for, protected and safe within that big, fun family. If you're the parent or family member of an up-and-coming young drag queen, someone possibly still in kindergarten or middle school, please know that your child has a sisterhood of love and support waiting that will never let them down. [caption id="attachment_6744" align="aligncenter" width="500"] The one and only RuPaul[/caption] *Note: Harry told me recently that I can use any pronoun I want when referring to him. "Mom, I just don't care!"  So I often use he/him/his and she/her/hers interchangeably. Because this post is about sisterhood, I've chosen "she/her/hers." IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "My son's first drag idol was a cross-dressing rabbit." "Life lessons learned from a drag queen." "A beauty tip & big questions from my fave drag queen."

  After a recent run-in with a children’s sticker, I wrote the piece “Stickers don’t have a gender.” I thought a 2-year-old girl at the local dry cleaner looked puzzled when she was expected to like a Hello Kitty sticker. The owner of the shop had just assumed a girl would be happier with Hello Kitty than she would with Pixar Cars. Later, the toddler’s mom told me her daughter actually would have preferred the Cars option. So I blogged about how the gendering of toys, colors and clothing “confuses” kids.   Then I received some thoughtful comments on social media. Here are a few of the shared thoughts that made me re-think my word choice: “I would say it restricts them. The only thing that confused me was when I confessed I had a crush on another boy in first grade, and everyone called me a fag. Didn't know what it meant.” It sure as hell confused me. It was a lot of arbitrary rules of what I was supposed to like and not like, and everyone was very sure of it and very disappointed of me…” “I disagree tbh, I’ve dealt with a lot of kids and in my experience at least there has been no confusion.” I agree that the stereotypes confuse them. I just don’t think that they should be born genderless as it complicates things and for now, at that young age, they and their friends won’t be able to comprehend it.”   I thanked the person who suggested gender stereotyping “restricts” kids. It really speaks to a more universal truth, because gender stereotypes pigeonhole children into the either-or binary boxes of pink and blue. And I realized it was only “some” children who might be confused by our society's established expectations about gender. My adult non-binary child Harry, who has preferred dresses and skirts since pre-school, was only six when he told me, “Girls have a real advantage, because they can wear whatever they want and play sports.” He wasn’t confused; he was simply annoyed. It was the last comment above however that really struck me, from the person who believed children shouldn’t be “born genderless” and that they can’t understand the idea of gender neutral. They were addressing not just the stereotyping of toys and clothes, but the whole idea of traditional gender roles and norms for kids. And I zeroed in on perhaps the best description of gender stereotyping: It limits kids.

“It’s all about democracy – for children to have the right to be how they feel they are.” --Lotta Rajalin, founder of the Swedish preschool Egalia

  Wearing a chambray dress and purple sun hat, a two-year-old girl entered my local drycleaners holding onto the side of an empty a stroller pushed by her mom. “Get the Hello Kitty stickers,” the shop’s owner Kim whispered excitedly to her associate, George. She was off to the side waiting for my cleaning to come around on the conveyor. “I give all the kids a sticker,” she said with a wink. I watched as George held out a sheet of Hello Kitty stickers. “What about this one?” he asked. She turned her gaze to the floor, so he peeled off a sticky and gently pressed it to her forearm. She looked at it expressionless. By then, Kim was at George’s side, beaming with expectation that her little surprise had delighted yet another pint-sized customer. But I didn’t think the girl looked all that happy; I thought she look puzzled.   “Hey, Kim,” I said, “I’m wondering if you give all the kids Hello Kitty.” “Oh, no,” she replied with certainty. “Little Kitty is for girls. Boys get Disney cars.” “Well, I’ll tell you,” I said smiling, “My boy would have wanted the Hello Kitty sticker.” I didn’t know whether or not Kim was flashing back to any of beaded dresses and tops of Harry’s I used to bring in during his summers home from college, but she was definitely processing my comment. “Maybe next time try letting the kids choose which they want. You might be surprised.” “Huh,” Kim remarked, as if the idea had never crossed her mind.

Moms today still notice when people put society’s expectations for boys and girls onto their kids.

There’s not just one way to be a boy or a girl.

 

his Let' say you're the straight parent of a young child who happily tells you they're gay. Do you know how you would react or respond? This latest column for My Kid Is Gay offers some "do's" and "don'ts" to bring out your best inner parent. My advice follows the question that asks if an 8-year-old is too young to know he's gay. “My 8-year-old son is self-identifying as gay. He has grown up in a household where sexuality is openly discussed and his aunt is gay. Is this too young to understand? I asked him if he understood what gay meant. He said, "Um, Mom, I want to marry a boy when I grown up." My husband and I have a difference of opinion on how to proceed. Please help.”

Not all kids are straight.

Most people think that gay people come out as teenagers (or later).

An 8-year-old is not too young to know who he is.

Some parents worry about their child being happy or having a difficult life because they’re gay.

Do's for parents.

Don'ts for parents.

A PRIDE PARTY WITH A VIEW

BEHIND THE SCENES WITH PFLAG

BUSHWIG 2017!!!!!!!

In his inaugural year, the 45^th president of our country has issued proclamations for June as National Home Ownership Month, National Ocean Month, and Great Outdoors Month. But in a shameful lack of action, he has failed to acknowledge June as Pride Month. Ironically, while “45” egregiously turns his back on the LGBTQ+ community, there’s another 45 that towers with honor above his lack of compassion and leadership. This year marks the 45^th anniversary that Queens elementary school teacher and PFLAG co-founder Jeanne Manford became the lead support mom for LGBTQ youth and adult children everywhere. If you’re unfamiliar with Jeanne, I want to share some of her remarkable story with you this celebratory weekend of the NYC Pride March.

“I have a homosexual son and I love him.” –Jeanne Manford, Letter to the Editor, New York Post, April 29, 1972

"...few of them were out to their parents for fear of rejection."

“I have a Harry,” a young dad in Minneapolis-St. Paul told me last month, as I signed a copy of my book for him. I’d heard that before and knew it meant that his five-year-old son liked playing with dolls and wearing mom’s heels. “I’m okay with it,” he said, “but my wife isn’t quite there yet.” While we didn’t get into the reasons his spouse was struggling to understand their child, I liked the optimism he projected with the word “yet.” I saw endless love, acceptance, and support reflected in his eyes. How fortunate that little boy and his no-doubt-worried mom are to have someone so secure and grounded in their family of three, I thought. I know firsthand that gender nonconforming kids need fierce dads. That dad crossed my mind this Father’s Day weekend. He’s a reminder of the growing number of straight, cisgender men who are rejecting society’s stereotypical ideas of masculinity and “proper” male role models for their sons. I reflected on comments my now-adult kid Harry’s awesome dad Ken made last September at my book event in hometown Milwaukee.

“Gay back then was the worst term of derision,” he said, “and it usually preceded getting beat up by somebody.”

“I grew up caring about what other people thought and believing one had to have the approval of people, but Harry taught me otherwise.”

Safety first.

  Last night I went to bed with George Takei. And Abraham Lincoln, too. The two men, along with 21 other influential queer figures from the Roman Empire to present day, joined me from the pages of Queer, There, and Everywhere, a new LGBTQ history book for teens by Quist app founder Sarah Prager. While I know George Takei is happily married to his husband Brad, I had no idea that young Lincoln probably wouldn’t have been interested in me romantically either. Clearly, the white, straight, cisgender men who authored the history books I read in school had only assumed the sexualities and gender identities of the historical figures they wrote about. In her introduction to Queer, There, and Everywhere, Prager acknowledges how the term “queer” continues to change. At one time a hurtful slur that still conjures up painful memories for some, it’s been reclaimed as an umbrella term for a broad community. For the purpose of her book, Sarah uses “queer” to mean “anyone not totally straight or not totally cisgender—anyone outside society’s gender and sexuality norms.”

Regardless of how differently societies construct their lines of acceptable gender expression, there are always people who cross those lines.

I could have been so much more of an uplifter for my child.

We must all help today’s LGBTQ kids know their value and their place in world history.

Mistie Bonet, Miss Toto, Tarah Cards, and Kimberly Clark were among the fabulous drag royalty I cheered at the inaugural Bushwig South festival of queer culture, experimental music and love in New Orleans over my long Mother’s Day weekend trip with Harry. I promised in my last post to share pictures of the outfit my kid Harry (aka drag artist Amber Alert) styled for me, and Amber’s awesome look, too. So have a look below and keep scrolling, because there are a few more fave photos from the fest, including one of the queen who triggered a remarkable little convo between Harry and me. [caption id="attachment_6423" align="aligncenter" width="450"] Yours truly, feeling like a stick of dynamite in my Tyler Wallach "American Beauty" print dress.[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_6446" align="aligncenter" width="450"] Amber en route to Bushwig South. The girl has ALWAYS known how to turn a look.[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_6438" align="aligncenter" width="450"] Me feeling like Queen for a Day on Mother's Day Eve in the Bushwig performers' staging area.[/caption] Amber, by the way, clued me in that the gold metallic thread in my vintage-thrift Palazzo pants is called Lurex. Of course, she would know that. [caption id="attachment_6432" align="aligncenter" width="450"] Just had to include this shirt of Katya & Trixie Mattel.[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_6427" align="aligncenter" width="450"] Performers Charlene onstage and Ickarus on the ground.[/caption] The awesome leaf sculpture pictured above was just one of many at host venue Castillo Blanco Art Studios. My favorite was R2D2 in lipstick. [caption id="attachment_6435" align="aligncenter" width="450"] Smokin'.[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_6430" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Queen Hannah Lou, her friend Alexis, Amber & another fab sculpture.[/caption] The queen I connected with the most was NOLA native Tarah Cards. I loved her zigzag-striped body suit, flaming red hair, bubble umbrella, and eclectic mash up of diva power tunes. But it was the interspersed taped quotes from eccentric, eye-patch-wearing Nadine Hurley of Twin Peaks that released my epiphany. [caption id="attachment_6434" align="aligncenter" width="600"] It was all in the Tarah Cards for me.[/caption] It was after Tarah's lip-sync of Nadine's “I’m going to have the world’s first one hundred percent quiet runner" that I turned to Harry's ear with the confession that somewhere deep inside my soul, there was a drag queen waiting to be unleashed. Harry laughed. "I've always thought of you as somewhat gender-nonconforming, Mom." "You have?" I asked, feeling wholly validated. "Sure. Don't you remember what I told you about your wardrobe when I was two?" I flashed back to an afternoon in the fall of 1992 where Harry was waiting for me at the back door when I arrived home from work. “You don’t have any dresses!” he accused. His nanny informed me that Harry had wanted to look in my closet that day. My pint-sized fashionista had nailed it. I wore skirt suits or dress pants to the office and jeans or leggings at home.  “I have a purple dress. Did you see that?” He shook his head. “You need more dresses, Momma.” And there I stood in a billowy pair of silk pants, eager to jump on stage and let my freak flag fly. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt so free to express my inner diva. I smiled up at Amber, so appreciating her wit and wisdom. It was a very special mother-child moment of the gender nonconforming kind I'll never forget. I’d planned to have someone at the festival take a photo of Amber and me together, but somehow I forgot. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fantasy, fun, and magic of Bushwig! On our last night, when I realized no photo of the two of us in NOLA existed, we took a selfie on the balcony of our Airbnb. I'll be sure to get a glamour head-to-toe shot of us together at Bushwig 2017 in September. Maybe we'll even see YOU there. In the meantime, wherever you are this weekend, have fun, be you, and, by all means, express yourself to the max! IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "My Mother's Day date with Mz. Amber Alert." "My fall photo album: drag royalty, gender-bender acceptance & LGBTQ visibility." "An explosion of drag performance, music & love? Must be Bushwig 2015!"

Choices, choices, choices.

"Be bold, Mom! You're going to be competing with drag queens, so no matter what you do it won't look like too much."

Be bold.

Last week Monday I shared with parents at a PFLAG NYC meeting some of my experiences raising a gender nonconforming son in the early ‘90s, a couple of decades before the gender revolution and the terms I wish had existed back then. I learned after my talk that, in addition to parents whose young kids were also gender nonconforming or transgender, some had older children – teens and young adults – who’d come out to them recently as lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans or queer. One mom expressed her confusion understanding her child. Others worried about what being LGBTQ might mean for their child’s safety at school or acceptance by members of extended family, their neighbors or church. Those moms’ feelings stuck with me the next night when I remembered I’d already watched this season’s final episode of The Real O’Neals, a sitcom that focuses on gay teen Kenny’s life after coming out to his religious Irish Catholic family. And amid rumors the show might not be renewed for a third season, I was reminded how important the ABC-TV family comedy really is to both parents of LGBTQ kids and their children, especially given the current political climate of our country. The facts remain the facts:

• 26% of LGBTQ youth surveyed by the Human Rights Campaign say their biggest problems are not feeling accepted by family and bullying at school.
• Of the 1.6 million youth who experience homelessness in the U.S., 40% of them are LGBTQ, the majority forced out by rejecting families.
• More than 80% of 10,000 K-12 educators surveyed by the Southern Poverty Law Center, reported "heightened anxiety on the part of marginalized students,” including LGBTQ students. Four in 10 said they heard slurs directed at students in those groups in the first few weeks following the election.

I know I’m not the only one who wants to know what gay teen Kenny will face with the recent national rise in homophobia and bullying.

Three of these things don't usually go together: Catholic school, nuns, eyeliner, and dress codes. Borrowing from the Sesame Street song, I'm sure you know which one doesn't belong here, especially for boys. But all four of those things came up in a question submitted to the good folks at My Kid Is Gay by the parents of an elementary school kid. My advice, which triggered some past worries of my own, follows the question below. "Hello, we are two moms with an 11-year-old son who is gay (even though he may not yet realize it). We are looking for parenting advice on how to support him. He recently started wearing eyeliner at home, but we are unclear as to how to navigate this since he attends a Catholic elementary school? Any advice?" Brava, Mamas! You’re allowing your child the freedom to express and present himself however he likes at home. Letting him exert some independence when it comes to personal style can go a long way to build self esteem and boost self confidence. As for how that loving parental support will pave a safe path inside the walls of a Catholic elementary school, I think you have both immediate and long-term options to consider before you proceed. Right out of the gate, private schools often have strictly enforced dress codes. And as a general rule, creative expression outside of traditional gender norms is not accepted. So my first suggestion is to check your son’s student handbook to see where his school stands on a dress code.

“NO makeup is allowed.”

Your child is probably well aware that boys wearing makeup is a thing.

A new GLAAD and Harris Poll study found that 20% of millennials identified outside the traditional binaries of “gay/straight” and “man/woman."

You have every right to ask the principal about the school’s policies regarding the rights of LGBTQ+ students.

There’s also the possibility that his desire to wear eyeliner is an exploration of his gender identity.

  Lots of peeps in New York City this Sunday will be donning their most colorful and creative hats for a march down Fifth Avenue in the 2017 Easter Parade and Easter Bonnet Festival. It’s an annual tradition that fills the street with exuberant personal expression, thanks to people like my artist friend Carri Skoczek, pictured above in last year's extravaganza. Yet it was a plain black bowler hat I saw in a poster of artist Georgia O’Keeffe recently that prompted me to revisit society’s traditional ideas about the clothes we wear. [caption id="attachment_6321" align="aligncenter" width="375"] Georgia O'Keeffe, by Alfred Stieglitz, circa 1920-22[/caption] That photo by O’Keeffe’s husband Alfred Stieglitz and others of her dressed in signature black garments that shaped my image of Georgia O’Keeffe as a strong, beautiful and mysterious woman. It was how she presented herself to the world that I admired more than her classic paintings of New York skyscrapers, oversized flowers or bleached animal bones. The “Living Modern” exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum explores how O’Keeffe used clothing to assert her independence as a woman and an artist. And despite the fact that she dressed mainly for comfort, she also understood how what she wore shaped her image. As a teenager she rejected the Victorian world of corsets and decorous dress codes into which she was born. A high school class portrait at the beginning of the exhibit shows all of the girls but O’Keeffe wearing a poufy-sleeved blouse and a pompadour hairdo topped with a big, floppy bow. She stood out even then, third from the right, with her hair pulled back into a long braid and dress sleeves tight around her wrists. The yearbook described her a girl who shunned established feminine styling: “A girl who would be different in habit, style and dress. A girl who doesn’t give a cent for men and boys still less.” He class photo reminded me how my now-27-year-old kid had also expressed his independence as a high school student with clothing style, hair color, eyeliner and even his art. He’d stood out from other boys throughout the lower grades, too, wearing mostly tie-dye tees and bright-colored flight pants. He would have worn a dress in first grade if I’d let him. Years later he clued me in that if a t-shirt’s long enough, it's a dress. But it was high school where he seemed to consciously defy the traditional ideas of gendered clothing. The outfit he chose to wear for his senior ID photo was not what anyone, myself included, would have expected: frilled collar, military jacket, eye makeup, and lip gloss. [caption id="attachment_6309" align="aligncenter" width="407"] Harry's high school ID photo, Sept. 2007[/caption] Harry, who identifies as non-binary, was just expressing his inner self and his aesthetic. Thanks to the new language of gender, I now know his wardrobe was and is about gender expression. I watched his kindergarten dress-up box became the costume closet for his middle school movie-making, which in turn grew to become his extensive and fabulous wardrobe. I imagine at the turn of the century Georgia O’Keeffe hadn’t heard the term gender expression either. And those who gossiped about her all-black androgynous garments probably didn’t notice how similar those looks were to the shapes and lines in her paintings.

 So if clothing can be artistic expression, then can’t gender expression be art?

Thanks to the Quist app, I was reminded of this week's 20-year anniversary of the Teletubbies. I remember so clearly breathing a sigh of relief that my kid Harry was already seven when Teletubbies premiered on PBS in 1997. Clearly the gibberish spoken by the four bright-colored creatures with TV screens in their stomachs and different-shaped antennae on their heads was aimed at pre-schoolers. I thanked my lucky stars for Harry’s early years of Sesame Street, and that was that. But two years later I recall my jaw dropping when Rev. Jerry Falwell Sr. dared to warn parents that Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubby, was really a “gay role model” for toddlers. According to Falwell: "He is purple, the gay pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle, the gay-pride symbol." Falwell Sr. also thought Tinky Winky's red bag looked too much like a woman's purse. I was furious then. So what did that make Barney, the purple dinosaur? Or Felix the Cat, with his yellow magic bag of tricks? Maybe he also thought inverted triangles in algebraic equations was gay math? We’ve come a long way in LGBTQ+ freedoms and equality since Teletubbies first aired. But now, in addition to using religion as an excuse to discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community, there are those on the right who use their religious beliefs to demonize transgender and gender nonconforming children. I’m incensed that some of our most vulnerable kids continue to be caught in their crosshairs of fear and hate. And it’s not hard to find evidence of that. A few months ago Harry was sitting with his laptop when he asked me if I’d ever heard of “Ask Me First.” I hadn’t, so he patted the seat next to him. "Here’s what you’re up against, Mom.” Harry clicked on a video of two mothers talking about how upset they'd been when the principal at their kids’ elementary school had wanted to read the children’s picture book My Princess Boy in class because a “gender-confused” student was attending. To these women, and the other mothers who then formed the Ask Me First organization with the help of so-called Christian legal groups, transgender and gender-nonconforming kids threatened the “innocence” and “right to privacy” of their gender conforming children. These very confused mothers viewed the school’s guest psychologist on the topic as a “proponent of gender confusion” and were certain that any staff training by the psychologist would encourage gender confusion within the classroom. “We have the truth the Lord shares with us,” they said, “and we have the courts on our side.” And their boldness in bullying trans and gender nonconforming kids is spreading to other close-minded mothers. Just this past week, a school system in North Carolina pulled the picture book Jacob’s New Dress from its first-grade lesson plans on anti-bullying after intense criticism from the conservative N.C. Values Coalition. “The purpose of our elementary schools is to teach writing, reading and arithmetic, not to encourage boys to wear dresses,” an official wrote in a statement to The Charlotte Observer. And executive director of the coalition, Tami Fitzgerald, told The New York Times that the book was “a tool of indoctrination to normalize transgender behavior.” She said a lot of parents would be opposed to that. I've got news for all these confused parents and uniformed state Republican legislators: Trans and gender nonconforming children exist and are as "normal" as a left-handed child is when compared to a right-handed child. All this furor and animosity is over picture books that teach children about acceptance, remind parents about the importance of unconditional love, and educate everyone that there is no such thing as gendered clothing, toys, colors or behaviors. So what do the Falwells, the Ask Me First parents and N.C. Values Coalition families do when one of their own kindergarten boys wants to wear a dress? Or one of their young daughters refuses to put one on? I can only hope they’ll see the true innocence of a child who knows nothing of society’s prescribed gender expectations. Transgender and gender-nonconforming kids aren’t confused.   Those children know their inner selves and, without interference from clueless parents, love themselves. All we have to do is listen to them, believe them and love them unconditionally. IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "Books that celebrate kids of all genders." "My new role model is an 11-year-old transgender girl." "Giving a boy a dress will not make him gay."

I remember asking my now-adult kid Harry in the summer of 2008 if he'd accept me as a "friend" on Facebook. He was headed to college out of state, and I thought Facebook would help me keep up with his life. He paused before replying, "All right, Mom, but I'm not going to censor anything just because you're on Facebook." Harry had already come out to me and his dad before Facebook began allowing young teens to join in 2006.  I'd never thought about how I would have reacted if he'd come out first on social media and didn't know that I knew about it. But this week the editors at My Kid Is Gay asked me to respond to that question as submitted anonymously by the mom of a  teenage girl. Due to the importance of social media in our kids' lives, my answer required more than one option. “My daughter is 15 and just came out on social media last week. I learned about it from the mother of one of her friends. I’ve had a pretty good idea for over 6 months now, but wanted her to have the opportunity to tell me when she was ready. Now that she has come out on social media should I continue to ‘pretend not to know,’ to let her tell me when she is ready or talk to her about it? We have a close relationship and she knows that I support LBGTQ rights/people. Thanks.” Your question is so full of love and respect for your daughter that I want to reach through my computer screen and hug you. I can imagine how proud and happy you must be that your daughter knows herself and what’s in her heart when it comes to love and attraction. At the same time, you’ve been thrown a conversational curve ball, and I understand your quandary of “to tell or not to tell,” as Shakespeare might have put it. But here’s the thing. The coming out process still belongs to your daughter. And even though another mother has inserted herself into your lives doesn’t mean you can’t still allow your daughter to take the lead on sharing her own news.

Based on what I’m about to say, how is the other person likely to feel?

Your daughter could be expecting you to initiate the conversation.

Respond in a way you know will make her feel loved, supported, and utterly fabulous.

Hillary Clinton may have received a standing ovation before the curtain went up on Sunset Boulevard the night I was there, but it was my kid Harry’s friend, drag artist Severely Mame, whom audience members lauded with compliments on our way in and out of the show. Mame had arrived at the theater channeling the play’s faded silent film star Norma Desmond, right down to Ms. Desmond’s exact cigarette case. I felt like I was in the entourage of a celebrity the whole night. “Did you guys have time to eat before the show?” I asked Harry and Mame as the pre-show Hillary applause died down. I winced as soon as I said the words “you guys” and wondered if I had just offended the glam duo. I know I say “you guys” all the time when referring to a mixed-gender group or even several girlfriends, but “guys” is clearly a gendered word. It didn't seem right when staring them in the face, because I know Harry, aka drag artist Amber Alert, and Mame refer to each other as “girl” and use she/her/hers pronouns when together. I asked Harry later if "you guys” had bothered him. He hadn’t really noticed. “People say ‘you guys’ all the time, Mom.” “I know, but it seems sexist and wrong, especially when referring to genderqueer or nonbinary people.” “You guys” became a teachable moment for me. I decided right then to replace it with the more gender neutral, albeit southern, "y'all." And as a straight ally for the LGBTQ community, I’m hopeful other allies will also think twice about language used and questions asked. I say this because I have friends who are strong supporters of LGBTQ rights, but whom I’ve heard ask highly insensitive questions, especially as they relate to transgender people. I was at a party recently talking with a man who was telling a lady friend of his and me that his husband was transitioning. She had changed her name and was using female pronouns. “Is she going to have the surgery?” his girlfriend asked casually. He paused before replying, “She hasn’t decided.” I was cringing. I couldn’t believe his friend had asked such a personal question. My mom was big on manners and had hammered on me from an early age about what was polite and what wasn’t. I even had a book on the subject. So believe me when I say that questions about what’s between the legs of transgender, nonbinary or gender-nonconforming people are just plain inappropriate. Our life experience as humans is so much broader than our anatomy. Being transgender is about gender identity, and has little to do with what’s in someone's pants. I refer you back to the Genderbread Person, the easiest way to remember the differences among the terms gender identity, sexual orientation, gender expression, and the sex someone is assigned at birth. As the mom of a nonbinary kid, I get asked questions, too. Questions of clarification like, “What if I pass someone on the street and can’t determine their gender?” My advice to them is to smile and just keep on walking, for they will have simply experienced the diversity of human experience. And that happenstance is also a good reminder that someone’s gender identity is defined by them, not by society’s preconceived ideas about gender. And just in case you meet someone and are unsure of their gender, it is totally appropriate to ask them what pronouns they use. I assure you it’s not only an acceptable question, but one that will be welcomed and appreciated as well. In fact LGBTQ youth ask each other that all the time. I've even been to events where name badges include pronouns used. Any questions? I ask because in this ever-evolving worldwide gender revolution of ours, answering questions helps me continue learning, too. [caption id="attachment_6189" align="aligncenter" width="450"] l to r: Severely Mame, Me and Harry[/caption] IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "Have you come out as an LGBTQ ally?" "6 ways to be a better LGBTQ ally." "He, Zie or They: Gender-specific pronouns are personal."

Wednesday night, as the Republican Administration announced its withdrawal of federal guidance that protected transgender and gender-nonconforming students in public schools from being discriminated against based on their gender identity, I sat in a movie theater on the Lower East Side. I was there for a preview screening of the first episode of “When We Rise,” a four-part television docudrama that follows the lives of three young people who in the early '70s became trailblazers in the LGBTQ rights movement. The When We Rise miniseries will debut Monday night, February 27 on ABC TV at 9p/8c. Due to an address to Congress by President Obama’s successor, the three subsequent two-hour episodes will air March 1 to March 3, also at 9p/8c. As I watched the stories of real-life activists Roma Guy, Cleve Jones and Ken Jones unfold on the screen, I felt myself becoming emotionally involved. I was reminded of the pain LGBT people suffered then – and still suffer – often at the hands of law enforcement. I choked up during the conversation young Cleve Jones has with his physician father, reminded that many in the medical profession back then considered being gay or trans a mental illness, “curable” with conversion therapy or electroshock treatments. And I jotted down lines from the show that have been running through my mind ever since. “When did you know you needed to rise up?” The arc of history is long, but it bends towards justice.” “I feel like fighting back today, don’t you?” “We have to create our own power to ensure our safety.” [caption id="attachment_6137" align="aligncenter" width="600"] "When We Rise" panel (l to r): Moderator EW Senior Editor Caitlyn Brody, actors Fiona Dourif & Emily Skeggs, writer/creator/director Dustin Lance Black[/caption] In the discussion after the screening, the show’s writer and creator Dustin Lance Black was asked what impact he thought the miniseries would have in our current post-election world. “I think it’s critical that people remember the ‘we’ in When We Rise,” he said, “so we can stop this backlash and we can push that momentum forward again.” The we in the audience applauded with a sense of urgency. I’d known on my way to the theater that the current Republican administration could at any moment rescind anti-discrimination protections for transgender students. But that didn't stop the combined body wave of nausea and anxiety I felt on my train ride home after the breaking news popped up on my phone: Those Obama-era guidelines had been reversed. The irony of this happening on the night I'd just viewed the important history lessons in When We Rise rang in my head like a fire alarm. How could it be that in 2017 schools no longer had a duty to treat transgender girls and boys with the same fairness and respect they treat other girls and boys? [caption id="attachment_6140" align="aligncenter" width="500"] My son Harry, at age 10[/caption] I didn’t want to believe that the progress of the LGBTQ rights movement, like the civil rights movement that preceded it, could ever be rolled back. And yet here we are, American citizens governed by a Republican administration that has begun attacking the basic rights of our most vulnerable people: transgender and gender-nonconforming children. [caption id="attachment_4902" align="aligncenter" width="450"] My friend Mateo, at age 5[/caption] I know this isn’t just about children, but that’s where the Republican administration has chosen to start. The so-called “bathroom bills” and “bathroom debate” continue to be called that and messaged as such under the Republican party's efforts to defeat civil rights protections for a broad range of people. Their language is about creating fear  -- fear of the unknown, fear of “the other” -- in order to enact rules and legislation that will eventually strip LGBTQ people of basic freedoms, rights and protections. But no matter how challenging or difficult these weeks since January 20 may be, I know that LGBTQ progress is progress. As a nation we must not turn back. And as parents, families, educators, advocates, allies, or anyone with a moral compass, we cannot be complacent. We must stay informed, stand up, speak out, attend school board meetings, reassure vulnerable kids we have their backs, and send messages to the federal government insisting on its duty to ensure that all transgender and gender-nonconforming students are protected from discrimination, bullying and harassment. Those children, adult members of the LGBTQ community and its allies, along with all other marginalized groups, will never be alone. We are in this together. And like those freedom fighters before us, we must never give up. I feel like fighting back today, don't you? [caption id="attachment_6134" align="aligncenter" width="500"] LGBTQ rights activist Edie Windsor with screenwriter Dustin Lance Black[/caption] IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: Fighting for kids in the gender revolution." "Diary of a queer kid's mom." "My new role model is an 11-year-old transgender girl."

Transgender kids are changing the world. And there is so much evidence of how and why.  For starters, widespread rumors that the LGBTQ+ community will soon be the next group threatened by the current administration’s discriminatory executive actions. While I will never give up championing equality for all the marginalized among us, I know how easy it is to become overwhelmed by worry and fear. So instead of disturbing headlines and weariness and a knot in my stomach, I turned to the voices of kids. They’re my go-to for tapping internal strength and the positive mental attitude that tells fear to take a back seat and just shut up. Children feel our connectedness as one big human family. That is, until somebody teaches them to fear our differences. And until someone tries to destroy it, the youngest among us know their individual worthiness and the joy that comes with just being themselves.

Willa's story.

Jazzing up my coffee table.

A gender revolution.

The opposite of fear.

In my desire to hold onto the Obama presidency for as long as possible, I watched all of the TV specials that aired last week highlighting our 44th President’s greatest accomplishments. And I didn’t miss CNN’s special report on the role model also known as “mom-in-chief” either. I have appreciated the President these past eight years for his vision, his leadership, his temperament, and his hope. And as the mom of a queer kid, I am grateful for all he’s done to further the freedom, equality, and safety of LGBTQ people. So in these last hours of his presidency, I want to honor Barack Obama’s legacy in support of the LGBTQ community by sharing a personal letter he wrote to some Facebook friends of mine. First, a little background. Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group created by Liz Dyer as an extension of her Serendipitydodah blog. The Facebook group is stealth so that only members can find it or see what’s posted. The group was launched in June 2014 specifically for open-minded Christian moms who have LGBTQ children and want to have healthy, loving relationships with them. It’s a safe space where members can share information and encourage one another. In full disclosure, while I’m neither Christian nor religious, I like to think of myself among the majority of people who believe in the inherent goodness of all, treating each other with kindness and respect, and loving each other as fellow humans. The Serendipitydodah for Moms Facebook group, which presently has more than 1,500 members, often sends letters of thanks and support to individuals, churches, and organizations that support LGBTQ+ equality and protection. Last May, when the Obama administration instructed public schools to allow transgender students to use the bathroom that matches their gender identity, they sent the following letter to President Obama. Dear Mr. President, We are a part of a large private Facebook group of more than 1,000 Christian moms of LGBTQ+ kids. Our group was created for Christian moms who have LGBTQ+ kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBTQ+ kids. More than 250 of us are signing this letter because we want to say thank you for all you have done for LGBTQ+ people. Your commitment to include and protect LGBTQ+ people throughout your presidency has given us so much hope for our children’s future. We are very encouraged by your actions and want you to know that we are praying that God will protect, strengthen, guide and bless you. We believe that your action not only reflects the true spirit of America, but also demonstrates the idea that Paul put forth in Galatians 5:6 when he wrote “the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” We are forever hopeful that others will follow your just and compassionate example. Most respectfully, Liz Dyer, Founder & Owner Liz and the 250+ mom signers who are public about their participation in the group were hopeful their letter would reach the President. Of the 40,000 letters that arrived at the White House each day during his presidency, they knew his staff selected the ten he'd read each night. They were also aware that a response was never guaranteed. But read and reply President Obama did! Dear Elizabeth: Thank you for writing.  Throughout our history, generations of Americans have brought us closer to fulfilling the ideals at the heart of our Nation’s founding—that all of us are equal, and that all of us should be free to make of our lives what we will. Our country has come far in its acceptance of transgender Americans, but transgender individuals still face terrible violence, abuse, and poverty here at home and around the world.  I know that some people have a hard time understanding what it means to be transgender, especially if they haven’t had the opportunity to know someone who openly identifies that way.  As brave individuals come out at all levels of business, government, sports, and entertainment, the power of their example is slowly but surely changing hearts and minds. We need to ask ourselves what kind of society we want to build for the many young people struggling with their identities who deserve a childhood free from harassment or ridicule.  Too many transgender people, especially youth, take their own lives because of discrimination and violence, and no one should ever feel so alone or desperate that they feel they have nowhere to turn.  That’s why my Administration took a stance against the use of conversion therapy on minors, and why we have been working to address bullying.  And when schools sought advice about how to ensure learning environments are respectful and inclusive for all students, the Department of Education provided guidance to educators—because all of our children deserve to know that their safety is protected and that their dignity is affirmed. We have also taken actions to help ensure that transgender Americans have the same rights as any other Americans.  I issued an Executive Order that prohibits discrimination in employment by Federal contractors based on sexual orientation or gender identity, and I signed legislation that includes protections against hate crimes.  Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, there are now important protections in place against discrimination in healthcare, including discrimination based on gender identity.  And this year, my Administration lifted the ban on transgender individuals serving in our Armed Forces—because no American who wishes to serve our country should face unnecessary barriers, and our military is strongest when it draws on the skills and talents of all our people. Again, thank you for writing.  Please know I will keep pushing to advance the safety and dignity of every American as long as I hold this Office and beyond. Sincerely, Barack Obama While I remain so moved by his response, it’s that “and beyond” in his letter that I’m counting on. I know President Obama will never let up on the future we hope for. And I know there are millions of moms who are right there with him, every step of the way, fighting for a future that delivers freedom, equality, and safety for all children. Top image: White House Photographer Pete Souza IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "Fighting for kids in the gender revolution." "Diary of a queer kid's mom." "LBGTQ kids need us more than ever."

Despite the fact that a team of anti-LGBTQ extremists and equal rights obstructionists will soon fill key White House and cabinet positions, I am resolved this year to remain fearless. I will not back down or stand by and watch our country’s progress be rolled back. The countless non-profit organizations, activist groups, journalists and many others who are speaking out and standing up for the betterment of all fortify me. I am focused on the change I want to see and experience. And I am driven by optimism -- hopeful we can instill it in all of today’s youth, regardless of their color, ethnicity, abilities, gender or sexual orientation. Thanks to the generous chiropractor who lent me her waiting room copy of National Geographic’s special issue, “Gender Revolution,” I’m reminded of the power education and knowledge have to change hearts and minds. We must all find teachable moments to influence attitudes, beliefs and behaviors about what it means to be human, and to rethink the gender binary of boy and girl. (Based on the special issue, National Geographic has put together a wonderful discussion guide for parents and teachers on the topic of gender.)

"The best thing about being a girl is, now I don't have to pretend to be a boy."  --Avery Jackson, 9 years old, "Gender Revolution" special issue

1. I will approve of myself, my characteristics, my abilities, my likes and dislikes, my inclinations and disinclinations, realizing that these form my unique individuality. I have them for a reason.

2. I will approve of and rejoice in my accomplishments, and I will be as vigorous in listing these – as rigorous in remembering them – as I have ever been in remembering and enumerating my failures or lacks of accomplishment.

3. I will remember the tremendous energy, joyful spontaneity, possibilities and potential that lie within me to create that which I can imagine for myself.

4. I will realize that the future is a probability. In terms of everyday experiences, nothing exists there yet. It is virgin territory, planted by my feelings and thoughts in the present. Therefore I will plant accomplishments and successes, and I will do this by focusing on how I want and expect the future to be for me.

[caption id="attachment_5985" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Harry in the Lanvin dress & earrings my sister sent for Christmas[/caption] Here we are at the end of December and my annual recap of the year's most popular posts.  Sometimes I'm disappointed when a few of my personal favorites don't make the cut. Thinking about it, I remember how surprised I was three years ago when my debut blog on The Huffington Post  drew very few readers.  I changed the headline on that piece to "The first Halloween my boy wanted to be a girl," and  it continues to be the most widely read post here. I know that post title really spoke to parents and families of gender-nonconforming children, because, personally, Halloween was a time I learned to better understand my kid Harry...and myself. So here are headlines you clicked on the most. And if you missed any, now's your chance to catch up on the 2016 blog roll.

1. My new role model is an 11-year-old transgender girl.

2. LGBTQ kids need us more than ever.

3. Don’t be your gender creative kid's first bully.

4. When boys don’t like being boys.

5. 4 lessons for parents of gender-nonconforming kids.

As a teenager, my now-adult kid Harry came out to me as bisexual and then again as gay. It didn’t feel right either time to talk to Harry's dad until he had. Harry did tell his dad right away. But what would I have done if he hadn't? A reader at My Kid Is Gay posed a similar question. Was it unusual for a child to come out to only one parent? Here’s the mom’s question, followed by my thoughts on how to handle her dilemma. “My adult son told me he was gay almost one year ago. He has not told his father or brother and has not mentioned it again. I love him so much and I am so proud of who he is and want to be supportive. But I don’t think he wants to talk about it. Is this normal?” I was divorced when my son, then a high school freshman, came out to me. I don’t think he planned it, as the subject arose while we were dining out. Before leaving the restaurant I asked him to please tell his dad, too. I didn’t want his dad to feel excluded from knowing such an important part of our child’s identity. I have a feeling you want the same thing for your family.

Coming out can be a gradual process.

Coming out requires a tremendous amount of energy.

A lot of maybes.

Coming out can take time.

Coming out to family is about acceptance.

My non-binary* kid Harry, now 26, grew up believing in Santa Claus. In “The Toilet Paper Bride” chapter of my memoir about raising a gender fabulous child, I agonize over whether or not Santa will bring little two-year-old Harry the Barbie Dream House he wants. That was the same year his cousin David, who just happens to be gay, visited us on his way home from England, and I learned he'd wanted the Barbie Dream House when he was a kid, too. So I wondered if because Harry loved Barbie and her Dream House that meant he would be gay someday, too. I was clearly clueless, because that’s like saying if boys and girls don’t play with different sets of toys they’ll grow up to be gay or lesbian (which we know is not true.) I just didn’t understand the concept of gender identity back then. In fact I didn’t even know what gender identity meant until Harry explained it to me his freshman year in college. I didn’t understand there was a gender spectrum or that my kid was simply gender nonconforming, two other terms I didn’t know before discovering Diane Ehrensaft’s book, Gender Born, Gender Made five years ago. But it’s not all about gender-nonconforming kids and toys. Clothes, colors, careers, behaviors and characteristics all get gendered, too. Before my appearance on “The Morning Blend” in Milwaukee the week after Thanksgiving, the hosts shared a recent survey of 9-year-old boys who were asked to name what they "don't like about being male." Here’s the list of replies:

• “Not being able to be a mother.”
• “Not supposed to cry.”
• ”Not allowed to be a cheerleader.”
• “Supposed to like science.”
• “Supposed to play football.”
• “Boys smell bad.”
• “Having an automatic bad reputation.”
• “Hair growing everywhere.”

Dear Diary, I haven’t been avoiding you intentionally. In all honesty, I realize I've just been mentally paralyzed since the election. I've rested my fingers on the keyboard many times, only to stare at the screen. Even away from my computer I’ve had trouble concentrating. My gut has ached with knots of dread and despair. I’ve had to hold back tears on the train and in the checkout line at the grocery store. Even now, as I type these words, my eyes are beginning to brim. I’ve needed to grieve in my own way and on my own time. Today I’m ready to pivot my thinking in a way that will move me up from the feelings that hover at the bottom end the emotional scale. I want to bounce back. I want to look for and find the good, renew my purpose, and move forward. I want to reinvigorate my typically positive approach to life. Recently I began a mental list of the interactions, situations, and articles that have lifted me up, restored my hope for the future, and strengthened my faith in humanity since that shocking day in November. So here, dear diary, are the numbered steps on my ladder of resilience. I never want to forget them.

1. When I met my friend Ruth for dinner after the election, she gave me an oversized book she’d picked up, called The Shared Heart: Portraits and Stories Celebrating Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Young People, by Adam Mastoon. I wondered why the title didn’t include the T at the end of LGB, but noticed on the subway ride home that the book had been published in 1997, when use of the term transgender was still a rarity. Then I began reading the stories of teen after resilient teen that had grown up feeling alienated, alone, and fearful of rejection. They were just the reminder I needed that kids challenged simply for being who they are, or loving who they love, can lead empowered lives regardless of the decade. The next morning I emailed Ruth an apology for being such a dinner downer and thanked her for the book that helped me see progress ahead no matter what.

2. In mid-November I flew to L.A. for a long-planned It Gets Better Project strategic planning retreat with the other board members and dedicated staff. In a daylong session to perfect the programs, advocacy, and organizational framework that serve LGBTQ youth around the globe, several anecdotes emerged that spoke to the relevance and importance of improving the lives of young people who face adversity on a daily basis, just for being who they are. One that will always stick with me is an email that came from a teenage girl saying the It Gets Better video collection often “gets me through the night.” The power of digital storytelling to connect a marginalized community uplifts me everyday.

3. Late on Thanksgiving night, I pulled into a driveway full of cars at my longtime friend Katie’s, where I was staying while in the Midwest. I’d planned to put on my pajamas and crawl into bed, but joining her family party was like a salve for the soul. I met an aunt of Katie’s step-daughter for the first time. After asking about my book, Aunt Laurie told me she’s a therapist in Pennsylvania’s Amish country. She talked of the family rejection, community intolerance, and bullying at school her LGBTQ youth clients have to suffer. She started to tell me about two transgender teens recently hospitalized after suicide attempts, but we were interrupted. Right then, in a moment of clarity and with a desire to hug that woman, I realized I don’t have time to be depressed; there’s too much work to be done helping LGBTQ kids develop hope, confidence, and resilience of their own.

4. One of the greatest sources of inspirations for my bounce-back resolve comes from President Obama’s words to his daughters about the outcome of the election. They were shared with David Remnik in a lengthy interview in The New Yorker. The following lines are from an excerpt in what Gabriella Paiella reported as a “pep talk” in New York Magazine:

“…your job as a citizen and as a decent human being is to constantly affirm and lift up and fight for treating people with kindness and respect and understanding. And you should anticipate that at any given moment there’s going to be flare-ups of bigotry that you may have to confront, or may be inside you and you have to vanquish. And it doesn’t stop … You don’t get into a fetal position about it. You don’t start worrying about apocalypse. You say, O.K., where are the places where I can push to keep it moving forward.” ~President Barack Obama

Still dumbfounded the morning after the presidential election, I arrived at a Brooklyn middle school a little before the beginning of first period. I was met by the dynamic duo of Drew Tagliabue and Kalima McKenzie-Simms from PFLAG NYC who led me and two other volunteers from PGLAG NYC’s Safe Schools Program to the guidance office. The head counselor gave us the schedule that had our two teams presenting to a total of six classrooms of either sixth or seventh-graders over three periods. Then she let us know we did not need to mention the election in our talks and storytelling. “The kids are scared this morning,” she said. “They don’t know what it all means. But we’re going to let the information process a little bit before we discuss it in the classroom.” She told us she was glad we’d been scheduled to come in. “Your being here will help normalize the day as much as possible and demonstrate that life goes on after an election.” I understood the need to process; I was still doing that myself. And I was struck by the irony that we'd come to talk about creating a safe school environment, free from bullying, when we’d just elected the country’s most outspoken bully as president. Seeing those anxious young faces in the classrooms reminded me how now more than ever it’s important to:

• Raise awareness and understanding of LGBTQ people.
• Bust the myths that exist about gender identity and sexual orientation.
• Protect and keep safe those students who are “different” by nurturing the next generation of allies.

 Adversity is the mother of progress. ~Mahatma Gandhi

I scanned the busy lobby of the JCC of Greater Columbus last Thursday night in Ohio, but I didn’t see her. The receptionist at sign-in told me that mom blogger Melissa McClaren had arrived already and was with her kids in the open seating area behind the front desk. Yes! Melissa brought the twins! I scribbled my name, hardly able to contain myself. When I spotted her and 11-year-olds Conner and Murphy, I felt my face become the wide-toothed-grin emoji icon. Two months earlier I’d received an email from the savvy JCC Bookfair Coordinator suggesting that a local mom join the program at my upcoming book event. I loved that idea. I’d just been corresponding with the mom that same day on Facebook. I’d been a fan since finding her personal essays on The Huffington Post. Last spring she wrote a smack-down response to the so-called “bathroom bills” springing up around the country. And the week before arriving to meet her in Columbus, she shared an emotionally charged piece on the parenting journey that has lead her and Conner to puberty blockers. [caption id="attachment_5822" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Melissa and me, JCC of Greater Columbus[/caption] I waved to the threesome on my way over to greet them and then embraced Melissa. After introductions, Conner wanted to give me a hug. I was "the second celebrity” she had ever hugged, the first being her hero Jazz Jennings. She told me she wanted to be a public speaker and had just submitted her first article to a girls’ magazine. I learned she loved science, especially astronomy, and had a theory on how to come out the backside of a black hole. Murphy, on the other hand, was happy with a handshake. After my reading, and our conversation that included a pointed discussion on the importance of visibility for transgender and gender-nonconforming kids, Melissa asked if anyone in the audience had a question. Murphy’s hand shot up like a rocket from the back row. Melissa told him she wanted to take questions from the adults first, but returned to him for the last question of the evening. “Can I have another cookie?” he wanted to know. Murphy received a big laugh from the room, and, with a “yes” from mom, he got his cookie.

“So, Conner, what would you want the parents of a transgender child to know?” I asked.

NOT BATTING AN EYELASH

A MOST PROVOCATIVE QUESTION

BE REAL. BE YOU. BE OUT.

I remember clearly the confusion and questions I had as my toddler son who loved pink, glitter, and Barbie dolls grew to adulthood. Vocabulary has expanded over the decades to include terms like transgender, nonbinary, and gender fluid. But parents of kids who don’t fit society’s norms or even their own perceived ideas of what it means to be a boy or a girl can still be puzzled. For example, what does it mean when a trans boy still likes "girly" things? I appreciate so much the My Kid Is Gay website for helping perplexed parents. And I’m honored whenever the editors there call on me for the advice that follows: “My 16-year-old claims to be trans, but I don’t believe it. I cannot see my daughter as a boy.  His bedroom is pink and he has a doll and stuffed animal collection. We are in a trans group for teens, and I think all of the kids are amazing. I can see him being a butch female, but a trans guy? Not so much. We are very close, and I don’t want to be an unsupportive parent, but I honestly don’t understand this.” Your son obviously trusts you. By coming out to you as transgender, he shared his innermost, deepest truth about himself. Diving inside oneself can be scary enough to begin with. But then to share what one discovers—even with their mom—can be terrifying. I’m sure he hoped that after he told you, your unconditional love and support would not waver.

Children need a parent's trust.

Beliefs can be limiting.

Support groups for parents.

  This piece was first published on Advocate.com My queer kid is 26 years old, so “back-to-school” is no longer part my active vocabulary. But I still enjoy watching the parents on my block escort little ones to their first day of kindergarten or elementary school. I flashed this year on the small percentage of those children who, like my child, will come out one day knowing themselves to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or agender. I imagined those kids headed to new classrooms, all feeling loved, valued, and supported for who they were in that moment. I wanted to believe they were dressed in the outfits they chose for the special first day. I hoped they were carrying the backpack they had picked out, and that their hair was styled how they wanted it, regardless of the gender expectations they’d been assigned at birth. Seeing those kids, I thought about how far I’d come from the years I took my son to first days of school wearing shorts when I knew he would have preferred a skirt. I also meet parents who think my experience raising a child who now identifies as queer might somehow make me an expert on their child. The friend of a friend ask me recently how to know if her four-year-old boy who liked dresses and lipstick was struggling with gender issues or just engaging in imaginative gender play. I was struck by the phrase “struggling with gender issues” in connection with a kindergartner. I couldn’t imagine the child being anxious over LGBTQ youth homelessness or transgender inequality. I figured the mom was referring to gender identity, a term I didn’t learn until my son was in college. And I knew from my son’s early years there was also a good chance the person struggling was the mom, not the child. My son came out by telling me, “Inside my head I’m a girl.” He was two years old. At the time, I had no idea what that meant. There were few resources in 1992, no internet, little knowledge, and a lot of misinformation and stereotyping. Terms like transgender, gender nonconforming, gender creative, and gender expansive didn’t exist. I struggled to understand my toddler, and I knew the mom questioning me was probably experiencing the same confusion and worry I felt when my then-six-year-old son took one of my lipsticks and hid it under his pillow.

I learned it’s never too late to learn from your child as much as you learn for your child.

Kids are as unique as their fingerprints, so it follows that not every child will fit inside the boundaries of pink or blue that our historically rigid society has constructed as the norm.

1. Gender may not be what you think it is. Gender for me used to mean one of two boxes you checked on a driver’s license application. But I now know that I was confusing sex and gender to mean the same thing, which I think a lot of people still do. Gender identity is about how you feel inside, who you know yourself to be. And it develops over time. We all discover ourselves as we grow, and finding our true gender selves is part of that discovery. The gender experts will tell you that if a child’s sense of self is being denied, they will likely become distressed, low-spirited, or depressed. And, for me, any one of those words connotes a child struggling not with their identity, but with a search for freedom within their family.

2. There’s no right way to be a boy or a girl. Transgender kids will tell you that a girl can have a penis and a boy can have a vagina. A gender-nonconforming, gender-creative or gender-diverse child knows that boys can be happy wearing dresses, playing with Barbie dolls, or liking the color pink. Kids are as unique as their fingerprints, so it follows that not every child will fit inside the boundaries of pink or blue that our historically rigid society has constructed as the norm.

3. Every child is a whole person. Each child – and adult – has traits that our society has deemed as either “masculine” or “feminine,” but are in fact just the characteristics that make up a complete person. Some boys like to express the so-called “feminine” side of their whole being, while the same can be said for girls and those traits labeled “masculine.” I like to project how much kinder and more accepting our society would be if sensitivity and nurturing qualities in all kids were as valued as strength and assertiveness.

4. A gender-nonconforming or trans child is a thought leader. If your child is defying gender norms and stereotypes, they are re-shaping the way we think about gender. They are at the center of a sea change not only among families, but also in schools where diversity and fairness are key, and among those legislators who want to insure all children are treated equally under the law. I compare gender-nonconformity to handedness. Being right- or left-handed is just who you are. Right-handedness is more common, but that doesn’t make it correct, more “normal,” or the only way to be. Increased visibility of our less common trans and gender-nonconforming children is broadening awareness and expanding the national conversation about gender. I like to think they are among the leaders on progress to rework society’s rules about gender identity, gender expression, and the expectations that follow an “M” or “F” stamped on a birth certificate.

[caption id="attachment_5664" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Harry and me on the official pub date. Image: Wendy Ploger[/caption] I appreciate you so much for reading my book, talking about it, and sharing the news of its release on social media. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I started this journey in 1992, when little two-year-old Harry told me, “Inside my head I’m a girl.” I know there are thousands of parents who are just now beginning a similar journey, learning about and struggling with their child’s gender identity. I'm sure many aren't even sure what "gender identity" means, like I didn't at the time. I’m hopeful my story will add to those that help them understand that discovering our gender selves is just one aspect of discovering who we are as individuals. [caption id="attachment_5248" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Harry painting the town pink, 1993[/caption] I wanted to celebrate the official release date with Harry, of course! We agreed to meet after work Tuesday at our local Barnes & Noble. It was quite a thrill to walk into the store and see Harry standing at the “Thought Provoking” table holding a copy of a book with his photograph of him at five years old on the cover. And to watch him take a picture of My Son Wears Heels with his cell phone was one of the sweetest moments of the night. [caption id="attachment_5665" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Image: Wendy Ploger[/caption] It’s been wonderful, too, to get photos of the book from people in other states who’ve spotted My Son Wears Heels in the gender studies, parenting, and memoir/biography sections of local bookstores. [caption id="attachment_5666" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Image: Corliss Williams[/caption] I’m very excited my 14-city national book tour will kick off with a talk and reading in hometown Milwaukee on Wed., Sept 21 at Boswell Book Company. It’s just a few blocks from Harry’s childhood home. And I’m so happy he’ll be at the event, too! [caption id="attachment_5656" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Boswell Book Company, Downer Avenue, Milwaukee. Image: Tami Quinlan[/caption] In other news, Bust magazine ran an edited excerpt from My Son Wears Heels online this week. It’s one of my favorite stories from the book, when teenage Harry and I are in Las Vegas and experience a drag show for the first time, together. I must say I love the header image they chose, as Harry does like to quote RuPaul's mantra: We're born naked, and the rest is drag. And speaking of drag shows, Mz. Amber Alert (aka Harry) will be performing at Bushwig this weekend. I’ll be at my usual spot close to the stage, so stay tuned for LOTS of photos from Brooklyn’s fiercely fun and fabulous festival of drag, music & love. [caption id="attachment_5673" align="aligncenter" width="500"] l. to r., Harry and his friend James at the Brooklyn Museum[/caption] IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "Please judge my book by it's cover." "An explosion of drag performance, music & love? Must be Bushwig 2015!" "Life lessons learned from a drag queen."

It’s not everyday you get an invitation to a storytelling workshop with the cast of the Tony award winning Best Musical, Fun Home. But volunteers in PFLAG NYC’s Safe Schools Program were lucky enough to have that chance last week and then stick around to see the show afterwards. Last week thirty of us, from millennials to baby boomers, crowded into a basement rehearsal room at the Circle Theatre with six brilliant Fun Home cast members: Michael Cerveris, who plays Bruce, the father; Judy Kuhn (Helen, the mother); Beth Malone (Alison, the main character); Emily Skeggs (Medium Alison, the character in college); Roberta Colindrez (Joan, Alison’s college girlfriend); and Kally Duling (the understudy for Medium Alison and Joan). A reporter and photographer from the New York Times were there too, and a lovely article about the workshop appeared online the following day. Our PFLAG group of volunteers was eager to hear the actors’ thoughts on how to build our storytelling, performance, and speaking skills so we could make even stronger connections with the middle and high school students we’ll be talking to when the Safe Schools Program starts up again this fall. [caption id="attachment_5640" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Many from FUN HOME's cast marched with PFLAG in NYC's Pride Parade 2016[/caption] We visit New York schools in pairs: one of us is LGBTQ, and the other is a parent or family member of an LGBTQ person who has come out to them. Last year, our band of storytellers spoke to nearly 6,000 students at more than 37 schools, for a total of 205 school visits, more than double the numbers reached in 2011. According to Drew Tagliabue, executive director of PFLAG NYC, requests are coming in this year for us to speak to kids in elementary schools. “Five years ago, we barely talked about people coming out as transgender, but now schools are clamoring for that help," Mr Tagliabue said.

“The dynamics of what kids are asking is changing, too,” he continued. “They now understand LGBTQ and are often thrust into trying to change the minds of older family members. Schools see us as the conversation starter, so we can normalize talking about it.”

It’s so important for children to be their authentic selves at school and for the next generation of allies to step up.

Okay. So this photo of me jumping in the air was actually taken last summer. But it’s the closest I could come in recent snapshots to how excited and proud I am to see a positive review of My Son Wears Heels in this week’s issue of The New York Times Book Review (NYTBR).

“Tarney does an exceptional job of tracing the zigzagging line of Harry’s self-identity and recalling the inevitable questions asked along the way.” –NYTBR

“Tarney…turns supportive parenting into an extreme sport.” –NYTBR

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Ta-da! I’ve hit the refresh button on my website today to feature the upcoming release of My Son Wears Heels. You’ll find it on the shelf of your favorite bookstore on Tuesday, Sept. 6th. It really feels right to me that this labor of love will officially debut the day after Labor Day. (I did, after all, title one of my first blog posts, “There’s no epidural for birthing a book.”) As for the look of the book, I want you to know that I chose this particular photo of Harry for a reason. His dad, Ken, took the portrait at his design studio when Harry was five years old. Ken is also a fine art photographer, so there was no shortage of photos for me to choose from. But, for me, this one captured the essence of Harry as an incredibly self-aware kid. I hadn't realized at the time how well Harry knew his inner self, his truth, and his power. When I look at this photo of Harry now, I see every child – those who meet society's gender expectations, the gender creative ones, and transgender kids. I see every child eager to make friends, discover their favorite toys and activities, and find their place in the world. I see every child seeking love and approval. I see your child, your niece or nephew, your grandchild, your neighbor, your student. As for the title of the book set down the left side, that was Ken’s idea. I smiled hard the first time I saw his design of the cover. I thought it spoke perfectly to my expect-the-unexpected, 22-year journey with Harry that unfolds on the pages within. I’m so excited for you to read My Son Wears Heels!  Copies can be ordered on IndieBound, Amazon, or Barnes & Noble. (My publisher will love you for that!) My Son Wears Heels will be in stores in the U.S. and Canada on the official release date of Sept 6th. There will also be an Amazon Kindle and Barnes & Noble NOOK offered in September. The book will be available in Europe and elsewhere starting in October. If you’re in Europe you can pre-order from your favorite local bookseller or from Eurospan Bookstore. Thank you so much for joining the kickass journey! [caption id="attachment_330" align="aligncenter" width="480"] Harry as Hedwig & me outside the Oriental Theatre, Milwaukee, Wis., 2008[/caption] IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "There's no epidural for birthing a book." "Life lessons learned from a drag queen." "My toddler was a gender rebel."

“Buying toys for yourself now, Mom?” Harry asked Wednesday night when he stopped by to pick up the pink Timberland boots he’d ordered on eBay. “Oh, that,” I replied, glancing up from the couch at the mini My Little Pony sitting on the counter. “That’s a Happy Meal toy.” “It is?” “Yeah, and it was my ticket into the bathroom at McDonald’s today.” Harry laughed. “What?” I explained how I’d really had to pee on my walk from 37^th Street to 28^th that morning. When the closest Starbucks didn’t have a bathroom, I popped into the McDonald’s next door, only to find a keypad lock on the bathroom. A dining-area employee said I needed to show a receipt to get the combination. Restrooms were for paying customers only. I didn’t want to carry another bottle of water, so I decided to just ask someone for their receipt. On my way to the counter, I passed a mom with her two kids. On their table sat a Peppa Pig figure and a small red truck. “Then it hit me,” I told Harry. “I remembered from my days doing PR for McDonald’s that you could get just the toy. So that’s what I did. And it was like going back in time, buying a Happy Meal toy for you without you being there.” Harry laughed. “When I told the order taker I wanted only a toy, she didn’t ask ‘girl toy' or 'boy toy,’ which was great! She just wanted to know which toy I wanted. And even though they still offered what could be called a stereotype ‘girl toy’ and stereotype ‘boy toy,’ they weren’t asking if it was for a girl or a boy.” “It’s so cute!" Harry said, picking up the pink toy. “I asked her what they had, and she said, ‘Powerpuff Girls and NFL.’ I knew you would’ve wanted a Powerpuff Girl, so I told her I’d take that. She returned with a handful of toys. No Powerpuff Girls, but they did have the stuffed toy gray cat from their tie-in with Secret Life of Pets, a black Spy Gear something-or-other, and the pink My Little Pony. I knew you would have wanted My Little Pony, so I bought that.” “That’s hilarious, Mom.” “It was fun! I hadn’t bought a Happy Meal toy in probably 20 years. Look at all the stuff it comes with. And the tail changes color in the sunlight! How cool is that?!” After Harry left with his new pink boots, a magenta hair scrunchy around his wrist, I thought about how much easier it was for kids now to get the Happy Meal toy they wanted, without a corporation’s determination that something was a “girl toy” or a “boy toy.” I knew that didn’t mean their parents might not discourage certain choices based on the boy-girl stereotypes they’ve learned. Ideally, parents are realizing that toys don't have a gender and that expressing likes and dislikes when it comes to toys or clothes or colors or hairstyles is simply human nature. It's so important to remember that we're all humans first, and that gender comes second.

"I realized this is all just about expression. I don’t have to figure out what it means or what this says about him."

"I know that ultimately kids are who they are and to just let them blossom.”

This piece also appears on The Huffington Post. “That’s it!” I said aloud from my seat on the subway. “Performativity!” I glanced up from the page thinking people might be staring, but no one had noticed I was talking to myself. I turned back to the New York Magazine on my lap and Molly Fischer’s article, “Think Gender is Performance? You Have Judith Butler to Thank for That.” I was learning that Butler’s landmark book, Gender Trouble, published in 1990 (the year my son Harry was born), had challenged traditional ideas about gender and introduced her theory of gender “performativity” – the belief that gender is something that continually unfolds. Other terms jumped off the page at me, too, like “binarism,” “heteronormative,” and “social construct.” I’d first heard those terms from Harry. He used all three of them in a single sentence the summer after his freshman year at Wesleyan. My son who was gay had come home from college identifying as queer. Harry explained that he rejected the gender binary and “heteronormativity,” and that gender was "all just a social construct anyway."  I remember saying, “Wait…what?” It was my first real understanding of the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity.

Harry’s gender had been performative since he was two, when he thought the difference between men and women was "earrings."

When I saw my kid Harry on Saturday, it was outside the #cloyingPARLOR art space in Brooklyn. They were dressed as Amber Alert for a dusk performance piece and video screening in the garden with fellow alternative drag artist, Lucy Balls. Amber’s bobbed blue hair, gemmed eye make-up, nude undergarment and short aqua silk robe comprised an outfit her dad described on Facebook as “understated.” And for Amber, that was true. Knowing the performance was going to feature a "spa day" with food items from the fridge, I couldn’t help but flash to the Marge-Simpson-style blue hair Harry wore as cooking show co-host “Thelma” during the launch of his movie-making days in fifth grade. As the proud mom of an artistic and unconventional kid, I have loved watching the trajectory of how Harry has “done” or performed gender since they were in kindergarten. [caption id="attachment_4992" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Harry as Thelma, from the show "Cooking with Thelma & Ed," 2001[/caption] Harry complimented my rainbow manicure. I’d had it done that afternoon to match the rainbow wig I’d be wearing the following day in the New York City Pride Parade. “I’m not sure how festive tomorrow will be,” I told them. “It’s so soon after Orlando that I wonder if the mood might be more solemn this year.” “I don’t know about that, Mom,” Amber replied. “It’s Pride.” On my train ride to Grand Central Sunday morning I immediately felt an aura of electricity and excitement. Amber was right; this was Pride. People with rainbow flags and Pride signs seemed to outnumber the other passengers. A woman seated in front of me smiled as she wiggled her nails of different colors to show me we’d been thinking alike. Ironically I saw her later on 40^th Street, the meet-up block for the tri-state areas PFLAG chapters. She introduced me to her wife and daughter, the latter who walked with the PFLAG banner along the entire parade route. Orlando was definitely “presente” at the parade, and I felt from the many hugs given that afternoon that everyone carried the tragic loss of 49 LGBTQ young people in their hearts. Those kids celebrating Pride Month at the Pulse nightclub would never be forgotten. Their lives were being memorialized, celebrated, and fortifying the LGBTQ community and its allies. As always, I met many wonderful parents and young people who marched with PFLAG NYC. [caption id="attachment_4983" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Erica and her glitter canister and me[/caption] I walked much of the way next to a mom who was there with her eight-year-old transgender son and one of his friends, who was collecting necklace beads. For much of way those two boys high-fived cheering spectators along the route and collected more beads. And I have to admit that I loved hearing several people ask the mom which was her transgender son. It just supported one of my favorite maxims: We’re humans first; gender comes second. As we walked past the Stonewall Inn, the area that President Obama had just named the United States’ first national monument to LGBTQ rights, a mom named Valerie, who was marching in the parade for the first time and having what she described as “the time of her life,” turned to me. “The Pride celebration doesn’t end in a few days, does it?” she asked. “What do you mean,” I replied over the cheering crowd. “I mean, look at all of these people,” Valerie said. “The official Pride Month might be over on the 30th, but the love in the LGBTQ community never ends.” “I know exactly what you mean,” I said, pointing to a colorful sign a young woman on the other side of us was holding that read, "Love Always Wins." And now, this July 4^th holiday weekend, as we celebrate our freedom and independence as a country, I’ll be hoping for soon passage of the Equality Act, introduced in July 2015 to assure that all LGBTQ people in the U.S. have full civil rights and protection under the law. It’s the right thing to do, not only for adults but to show our kids that treating everyone equally matters. And equality, freedom, and safety is something we can all love. IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "My Gay Pride glow segues to fireworks of freedom." "Gay Pride is an outlook." "My son was born a non-conformist."

The lady at the Delta airlines check-in counter yesterday smiled as I handed her my boarding pass. And as the corners of my mouth turned up to greet her in return, the muscle movement felt foreign. I realized how little I’d smiled since reading Sunday morning’s “breaking news” email from the New York Times. “Gay nightclub…worst mass shooting…unimaginable slaughter…” The words had jumped off the page like slaps to my face. Tears streamed as I imagined the horror. I thought of my 26-year-old son Harry, and as much as I needed to hear his voice at that moment, I didn’t want to be blubbering into the phone. He was in Berlin, where I knew he had been out dancing and having fun in the city’s all-night clubs. Then I thought of the raw pain of the moms of Orlando's latinx club kids, and my tears flowed harder.

I realize it will take more than tears and outrage to stop hate crimes against the queer community.

My yoga teacher Linda’s 3-year-old son Mateo wanted a dress. That’s what she told me last December when she was pregnant with her second child. She wasn’t sure at the time that she’d get Mateo a dress, because her husband felt conflicted about it. As an artist of Mexican descent, I wondered if Mateo’s dad had experienced any disapproval as a child for not fitting his culture’s tradition of machismo. But either way, I was sure the pink tutu I knew Mateo wore occasionally was helping his dad work through some antiquated beliefs about masculinity. When Linda’s daughter, Marianna, was born this spring, I bought some  books as a baby gift. I wanted to get big-brother Mateo a little something, too. I picked out Jacob’s New Dress for him, a picture book that demonstrates there are many ways to be a boy. The gifts were wrapped when I handed them to Linda, so I gave her a heads-up on the title for Mateo. “He’ll love it!" she said. "I’m actually getting him a dress for his birthday.” “You are?” I asked, feeling the urge to hug her. “He still wants one, so I ordered a couple online.” I imagined Mateo being as excited about his first dress as my son Harry had been over two decades ago when he got his first Barbie doll. Linda just wanted to do right by her little boy, and I admired her for following her instincts. “You’re such a cool mom.” She laughed. “Well, I don’t know about that. His dad feels a bit unsettled by it.” I thought Jacob’s New Dress might be a good read for him, too. The following week Linda told me that Mateo had wanted to read that book more than 100 times over the past seven days. I felt like a fairy godmother that had validated a little boy’s desire for a comfortable piece of clothing. But it was his mom who granted the wish. My writing mentor let me know on Facebook recently that she’d bought an Elsa dress for her three-year-old son. “And who knows if I would have if it weren’t for you and the Wendy fiasco," she wrote. While she was referring to one of my early Halloween disasters, her words reinforced the sea change that I felt was moving society away from the rigid stereotypes that can limit a child’s creativity and self-expression. Then earlier this week, the waves quieted when a new friend told me about her two-year-old nephew. “His sister, who’s four, is very girly,” she said. “She’s into princess clothes, dress up, and lipstick, so my nephew sees her and wants to dress-up, too. Don’t you think he’s just following what his big sister is doing?” “I do think a younger brother or sister typically wants to do whatever an older sibling does," I replied. “But then again, what toddler wouldn’t be attracted to shiny, sparkly, pretty things? I mean it’s not like boys are born liking only navy blue, dark green, and khaki.” We both laughed. “Well, my boyfriend isn’t so sure about encouraging a little boy to dress up as a princess.” And there it was: a hint of the false belief that a boy untouched by gender roles or stereotypes, who wants to put on a dress or play with a doll, will grow up to be gay. I wanted to say that I wished her boyfriend would think before he speaks, because I know how disapproving looks can convey the message, “You are not okay.” But obviously he’d been taught the same gender stereotypes that shape the expectations too many people have for boys and girls. I assured my new friend that her nephew was born with his own unique identity and will grow up to be exactly who he is. He might be gay, or he might not. Her princess niece, for that matter, could grow up to fall in love with another princess. We are who we are. And our parents, families, and friends of the family simply need to let us be our true selves, at any age, in a tutu or a hardhat, or both. IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "Gender, 'jewry' and a little heartbreak." "Gender confusion in Aisle 7." "Gift ideas for gender-nonconforming kids."

Young ladies wearing tuxedos, Jaden Smith in a skirt, and my own kid Harry’s personal style of self-expression have me hopeful that this year might be trending to an end of gendered clothing. Okay, maybe that’s wishful thinking. But I think all three examples signal that the younger generations are way less hung up on ideas about “girl clothes” and “boy clothes.” Recently I smiled until my cheeks hurt scrolling through pictures of women who wore tuxes to their high school prom. The photos appeared in a Buzzfeed story titled, “Badass Ladies Rockin’ Suits at Prom.” In addition to seeing proud, happy kids, you'll get to read their comments about dressing for comfort, wearing an outfit that represents who they really are, and, well, just being true to their authentic selves. Bottom line: They looked great, with feelings to match! [caption id="attachment_4870" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Instagram: @liv.without.boundaries[/caption] The prom photos reminded how stunning I thought Marlene Dietrich looked wearing a tuxedo and top hat in the 1930 flick, Morocco. She looked cool, fierce, and incredibly sexy. The first time I slipped on a pair of "men's" tuxedo pants I was in my late twenties. I wore them with a metallic knit necktie and a leopard print jacket. I felt suddenly more confident in those pants, emboldened by two single strips of black satin. I think the sense of inner strength and invincibility they gave me is the same feeling of power Harry describes when he puts on a skirt suit or pair of high heels. And Harry has told me he doesn’t think of his clothes as women’s clothes, they’re just his clothes. [caption id="attachment_4876" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Harry on the set of "Between the Shades"[/caption] As a PFLAG NYC mom of a queer kid who has defied gender stereotypes since he was two years old, I volunteer to share my experiences and what I learned from Harry with classes of high school students. I usually start by asking how many of them know who Jaden Smith is. Everyone raises their hand. Most of the kids know the 17-year-old actor and rapper has been in the news for wearing a dress. A few know he’s one of the models in Louis Vuitton’s new ad campaign for its women’s wear line. And nobody laughs. [caption id="attachment_4871" align="aligncenter" width="390"] Jaden Smith, Credit: VIPix /Splash News[/caption] "I feel like people are kind of confused about gender norms,” Smith said in an interview with British GQ Style magazine earlier this year. “I feel like people don't really get it. I'm not saying that I get it, I'm just saying that I've never seen any distinction. I don't see man clothes and woman clothes, I just see scared people and comfortable people." Smith’s goal in life: “I just want to teach people how to be comfortable.” In this season of proms, graduations (where everyone wears a gown!), and Pride, I like to think that the young ladies comfortable in tuxes, the Harrys and Jaden Smiths comfortable in a skirt, are reminders that everyone has the right to define their own identity, express it freely and be proud of who they are. IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "The day I fell in love with Jean Paul Gaultier." "Life lessons learned from a drag queen." "Now who can tell me what transgender means? This one's a little tricky."

Every child in my son’s graduating kindergarten class of 1996 was giddy. They shined beneath gold sparkly top hats and celebrated with cake.  My child Harry had big dreams about first grade and beyond. He wanted to be a “scientist comedian” who made rocket fuel out of chips and dip. They also pictured themself an artist or songwriter. To mark academic achievement and feel excitement about a future filled with all they can imagine for themselves is what I wish for every child, young or old, graduating or not. Some mighty wisdom is shared in commencement speeches. From Harry’s kindergarten teacher’s brief remarks, it was to explore, discover and "be you.” No matter what the age of a child you know, here’s some memorable advice that, like sunscreen, can be applied liberally.

James Rogers, CEO of Duke Energy

Ms. Frizzle, CEO of The Magic School Bus

Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer

Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook

[caption id="attachment_4652" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Cousins Dylan and Harry[/caption] I have a confession to make," I said. My upper lip twitched with uncertainty about revealing some of my early-mom ridiculousness. “Oh?” said my 26-year-old son Harry. “About what?” We were at Sunday brunch with Harry’s first cousin Dylan, who was in NYC for a visit en route from Tucson to London. We'd been talking about the funny ads that used to run in the back of comic books in the ‘60s and early ‘70s for pets like “sea monkeys." “Well, talking about mail-order pets just reminded me of your ant farm,” I said. “Do you remember having that when you were six years old?” “I do, but it disappeared right away. When I asked Gloria about it, she told me the ants had all died.” “Aha,” I said. Until that moment I had no idea Harry had asked our housekeeper about the ant farm. “I thought it was odd you never mentioned it again. I had kind of hoped at the time that you’d just forgotten about it. So do you want to know what really happened?” "You have to tell us now, Mom,” Harry replied. “Well, after you and Dad finished setting it up and putting the ants in, you brought it into the kitchen to show me. I was loading the dishwasher, so you left it on the counter for me. When I went to take a look, the ants, probably still in new-home-freak-out mode, were all clumped together on one side. I looked over the instructions and was not pleased to learn that the ant farm was supposed to be kept in a dark place, like a closet. “I remember thinking, ‘What fun is that?’ I’d envisioned the ant farm sitting on your dresser where you could see progress everyday. Annoyed, I put it on the floor of the coat closet and shut the door. “When you went upstairs later with your dad to get ready for bed, I checked on the ant farm. It looked nothing like the picture on the box, with ant tunnels every which way. They’d burrowed only in one spot, which looked more like a hole than a tunnel. I reached for a toothpick and tried to move a few of the ants over to another spot on the sand.” Harry and Dylan’s jaws dropped simultaneously. “I know, so crazy, right?” I admitted. “The first ant I prodded up to the sand line turned upside-down, wiggled its legs and then stopped moving. Suddenly, half the colony was on alert, surrounding the murder victim and trying to carry him back to their only hole. In an instant I’d become an ant killer. Horrified, I put the whole thing in a plastic bag, tied it up, and took it outside to the the trash bin. “That is hilarious, Mom,” Harry said, as he and Dylan both started laughing. “Your dad thought it was funny, too. ‘You can’t control everything, you know,’ he told me. And then there was that word again: control. “You may not know this, my Pilates instructor didn’t either, but in the 1990s, there were so-called child psychology experts who theorized that if a boy was feminine or wanted to play with 'girl toys,' it was because his mother was controlling. I never wanted to believe that, but it still irked me whenever I heard the word used to describe me. You did love your Barbie dolls, and I didn’t want anybody who might believe those theories to judge me." [caption id="attachment_4650" align="aligncenter" width="410"] The cousins, 1996[/caption] “I did feel really bad about the ants, Harry," I said. "At least I can make fun of my controlling self now. And I'm glad you two are here to laugh about it with me!” Note: As for certain so-called child psychology experts, they’re still out there. If there's a transgender or gender creative child in your life, steer clear of anything written by Dr. Kenneth J. Zucker of Toronto, Canada. He is famous for believing that gender-nonconforming children could be “cured” via reparative or conversion therapies. Ugh.   IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "The gender angel for gender-nonconforming kids." "A primetime winner for parents of LGBTQ kids." "Stilettos, wedges and pumps, oh my!"

There are a lot of strollers in my Brooklyn neighborhood. Lately I’ve been noticing more first-time moms with newborns close to their chest in baby carriers. And probably because Mother’s Day is approaching, I can’t help but notice the adoration and pride on their faces. I’ve gotten a little misty-eyed passing them on the sidewalk, as I think about all of the joy that’s to come for them, especially on Mother’s Day. But I know newborns aren’t always about sweet smelling skin and irresistible cooing sounds. No matter how many “What to Expect” books one reads, some mechanics of motherhood can be a complete mystery. Case in point: My next door neighbor, who is a new mom to baby Sandi.  I couldn't wait to meet the little munchkin and brought over some children's books and the girl's first car -- a yellow Flower-Power-painted toy VW Bug -- apparently a big yawn from her vantage point. [caption id="attachment_4606" align="aligncenter" width="500"] My new neighbor and her first car.[/caption] When my friend was ready for her first mom-daughter outing to the Botanical Gardens,  I helped her adjust the straps on her three-week-old's Baby Bjorn. And even though the precious bundle slept the entire time, my new-mom friend worried that her baby wasn’t comfortable. I flashed to my now 26-year-old son Harry’s newborn screams that could have awoken the dead if they* weren’t happy. “I think she’d let you know if something wasn’t right.” I said. “Oh, I’m such a newbie!” she groaned. “I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time.” I remembered thinking that very same thing quite often when Harry was little. After discovering the six reasons he could be crying as an infant, came the time at two years old when he told me “inside” his head he was a girl. A year later he wanted to be a girl when he grew up. Then at six years old, they were content being a boy, but wanted to wear girl clothes from the dress-up box. “You’ll figure it out,” I told her. “Experience is the best teacher.” Experience helped me the most during my clueless early years as a mom. The lessons learned from my gender creative child also played a big part on my journey to kickass in the mom department. The learning curve was sometimes steep, and in many ways required that I become what developmental and clinical psychologist Diane Ehrensaft calls a gender creative parent. I know I became a whole lot smarter thanks to my kid. Here are a few things Harry taught me over time.

1. No matter what books you’ve read about what to expect from your child, it’s the unexpected that makes you think.

2. Children don’t think about what they can’t do or shouldn’t do. They think about what they can do and would like to do. Just like adults, they want to be free.

3. Children are better than adults at accepting their differences.

4. Fitting in means being accepted for who you are.

5. Life is supposed to be fun.

[caption id="attachment_4577" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Thanksgiving, 1994[/caption] My hand covered my mouth yesterday afternoon as I read the breaking-news headline that Prince was dead at 57. Alone at my computer, I imagined a purple rain of tears among his fans. I had a secret crush on him in the early ‘80s. His clothes reminded me of Jimi Hendrix. His guitar playing electrified, and his lyrics were hot. We both liked sexy music, Prince and I, and something about his androgyny appealed to me. [caption id="attachment_4592" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Image via Mobtown[/caption] Ten years after Prince won an Oscar at the 1984 Academy Awards for Best Original Song Score for that year’s Purple Rain, my son Harry got his dress-up box. Fashion was always important to Prince, just as it was for then four-year-old Harry.  Harry told me in first grade that girls were lucky because they got to wear "whatever they want and play sports.” I had promised Harry that as an adult he could wear anything he wanted. I told him about Prince, among other flamboyantly dressed celebrities. And when style-conscious Harry chose head-to-toe purple as his outfit choice for parties and special occasions, again I thought of Prince.

“A strong spirit transcends rules.” ~Prince

[caption id="attachment_4555" align="aligncenter" width="405"] My gender creative child, 1998[/caption] By the time he was two years old, my son Harry loved Barbie dolls, sparkly fabrics and all things pink. That’s also the age he told me, “Inside my head I’m a girl.” It was 1992. Harry’s dad and I had no idea what that meant. The Internet was no help, because there was no internet. Terms like transgender and gender nonconforming were rare. And the concept of a gender creative child? Well, that just didn’t exist. Fast forward to April 2016, and the release of an exciting new book titled, The Gender Creative Child: Pathways for Nurturing and Supporting Children Who Live Outside Gender Boxes, by Diane Ehrensaft, PhD. It comes five years after her groundbreaking first book, Gender Born, Gender Made, in which she first coined the term “gender creative” to describe kids whose authentic gender identify or gender expression didn’t match the sex markers of M or F that appeared on their birth certificate. The Gender Creative Child is an essential guide for any parent whose child goes against the grain of society’s expectations about gender. Dr. Ehrensaft has delved deeply into the hearts and minds of gender-nonconforming and transgender children and adolescents to bust a multitude of myths. In simple language, The Gender Creative Child explores and explains affirming new ways of thinking about gender nonconformity. As she points out in her very first chapter, a dress no longer equals girl; a buzz cut no longer equals boy. And the boys and girls themselves are most often the ones challenging the old and rigid ideas of gender conformity. [caption id="attachment_4556" align="aligncenter" width="409"] Harry in second grade, 1997[/caption] For any parent or family member confused or anxious by their child’s gender creativity and complexity, The Gender Creative Child will be an invaluable handbook that provides sensitive wisdom, helpful messages, and constructive advice. In all honesty, I think it’s a must-read for all parents, teachers and pediatricians and should be in every public library. Riding the crest of the sea change of gender she describes, Diane Ehrensaft is indeed a “gender angel.” I only wish I’d had this book when Harry was growing up. I know I’ll read again and refer to it often, just as I did with the one that preceded it. [caption id="attachment_4566" align="aligncenter" width="375"] The well-worn book that changed my life in 2011.[/caption]   IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "When gender nonconforming means not fitting in." "Transgender and gender-nonconforming kids are just... kids." "A look to the future for gender-nonconforming kids."

I had my toughest assignment yet this week from my friends at My Kid Is Gay, who exist to help parents understand their lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex and asexual kids. The question they asked me to field came from an anonymous mom who suspects her 15-year-old son is gay. Personally, she has nothing against LGBTQIA people, but her husband and family are homophobes. And when she tries to discuss with her husband the possibility their child may be gay, she gets the "my son is not a sissy" argument. She wrote: "How do I convince my husband to change his opinion and create a friendly environment in which our son would feel comfortable coming out?" Even if their son isn't gay, I imagined that dad's prejudice sending signals to their teenager that he might not be worthy of love or free to be himself. I felt sad and then angry. But instead of suggesting the mom strangle her homophobic husband, I submitted this reply: "I feel the love and concern you have for your teenager and want you to know I’m relieved that should he be gay your son has at least one parent in his corner. That’s one more than many LGBTQIA kids have. "I understand your desire to create a friendly environment. And to do that I think you’re asking how to change the fairly deep-rooted beliefs of someone who is prejudiced about LGBTQIA people. And that’s often easier said than done, because in reality the only person who can change an individual’s beliefs, attitude and behavior is the person himself. That’s doesn’t mean it’s impossible. But it’s going to mean work for both of you: a lot of questions and steadfastness from you; and both education and soul-searching for him.

 Unconditional love is not about dictating how your child should or shouldn’t “be.”

My kid Harry will be in San Francisco next week for their* birthday. I like to see him on or around the day that celebrates him, so we’re getting together for brunch on Sunday. I asked him to make a reservation, because it’s Easter. And then I reminded him that I wasn’t bringing a present, because, instead, I'd offered to get a large fine-art photograph that his dad bought him framed professionally. “That’s a great gift, Mom,” he said. “And I’m glad you finally stopped buying me Easter candy.” Then I had to admit I did have one chocolaty item for him. My son used to love hunting for Easter eggs. And even though Harry will be 26 this year, I still have their notes to the Easter Bunny. And to the Tooth Fairy, too. I think Harry figured that if he wrote to Santa, why leave out anyone else who was magical. Then yesterday an email I received from a woman who identified herself as the "mom of an 8-year-old fabulous, gender creative boy" made me smile. I could feel the pride in her words. And I flashed on Harry at that age, when the terms “gender creative” and “gender nonconforming” were rare or unknown. I remembered his birthdays at that age in the late ‘90s. He wanted nothing more than Pokémon cards, bear Beanie Babies and a purple Game Boy. And as Harry’s mom, my wish every year was that the happiness of each birthday would last 365 days. I wanted him to know always the love his dad and I have for him, to be confident and secure with himself, and to feel safe in the world. That’s still my wish. I imagine it’s the hope for the mom who wrote to me yesterday. And I'm sure countless other mothers hope for that, too. Especially those moms of gender-nonconforming and transgender children in North Carolina. Like so many, I was horrified to learn that a state law, rammed through the Republican-controlled legislature and approved yesterday by the governor, eliminated anti-discrimination protection for all LGBTQ people in North Carolina, including barring non-binary and/or transgender men and women from entering the bathroom they feel most comfortable using.

We must demand full civil rights for all people.

[caption id="attachment_4471" align="aligncenter" width="450"] "The Real O'Neals" airs on ABC on Tuesdays at 8:30pm ET[/caption] I took extra time selecting my outfit for an NYC sneak peek of the family sitcom The Real O'Neals at the LGBT Community Center last week. I knew Project Runway mentor Tim Gunn would be there to moderate a post-screening conversation with two stars and a writer from the show. I figured I’d manage my usual front-row spot in the audience and didn’t want Tim to be distracted by a bad look. [caption id="attachment_4469" align="aligncenter" width="500"] l to r: Moderator Tim Gunn, actors Noah Galvin and Martha Plimpton, writer David Windsor[/caption] If you haven’t seen The Real O’Neals yet, I hope you’ll check it out. Even though gay teenagers on primetime television aren’t new, I think a family sitcom that centers on a boy coming out to his Irish Catholic parents is a welcome first. It’s a scenario that can be scary for both kids and parents, but this show does it with such love and humor that I think any viewer will be able to relax into any of those fears. [caption id="attachment_4479" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Photo: Bob D'Amico/ABC[/caption] The focus in the show's pilot was on 16-year-old Kenny who worried that coming out to his super-Catholic perfectionist mom would “literally kill her.” She is after all chairman of the church’s Bingo Bonanza and wants more than anything for her family to be featured in the church bulletin. And it’s at the Bingo Bonanza fundraiser that Kenny tells his family he’s gay, which is, of course, overheard by everyone. The second episode previewed was of Kenny’s first day back at St. Barklay’s High School after his coming out.

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~E. E. Cummings

“I’ve never played a homophobe before.” ~Martha Plimpton

ou The thick Rapunzel braid knotted on top of my kid Harry’s head hung draped over her* right shoulder. Dressed all in black, from feathered boa and long slit skirt to the open-toe stilettos, I thought Harry looked like a young celebrity. In drag, my creative director and photographer son becomes Amber Alert to her fans and me. But I wasn’t sure if the fuzzy photo on Facebook was of Amber or Harry. “Loved your look for that show at the Jane Hotel,” I told Harry over the phone. “I know you were there with the other ‘Girls of Straight Acting,’ but didn’t know if you were in drag. You weren't wearing any glitter, so I wasn’t sure.” “I had some glitter on, Mom, but it was a subtle look – no eyelashes.” “Eyelashes make a difference?” “Oh, for sure!” Harry replied. “Big time!” I appreciated the clarification, because I occasionally get questions about Harry based on his look. If wearing a dress, some people ask if she’s trans, to which I reply that my son is genderqueer. Or, if Harry’s wearing earrings with a sweater and leggings, I get asked if he’s in drag. So now I can explain that drag for Harry means false eyelashes, glitter and at least a pound of makeup. The truth is, some days Harry feels more feminine, so his gender expression just reflects how she feels on any given day or time of day. I remember asking Harry in 2005 where drag queen fit it in with transvestite and transsexual. (Transgender wasn’t a common term at the time.) It was the summer before Harry’s sophomore year in high school. He was fifteen and a Rocky Horror Picture Show devotee who dressed in wildly extravagant outfits for every midnight showing at Milwaukee's Oriental Theatre.

"When a gay man has waaay too much fashion sense for one gender, he’s a drag queen.”

Four Steps to Becoming A Drag Queen

1. Let good thoughts be your sword and shield.
2. Ignore adversity.
3. Abide by the rules of love.
4. Stand up! Because being larger than life is just the right size.

[caption id="attachment_4389" align="aligncenter" width="586"] Harry as Cleopatra, age 6[/caption] Seeing photos of Adele strolling her two-year-old son through Disneyland dressed as Princess Anna from the movie Frozen made me admire the pop star even more than I already do. I wondered though her reaction the first time her boy asked to wear a princess costume. Like a lot of parents of little boys, chances are she wasn’t expecting him to want to dress in a sparkly tulle skirt. Of course the best possible response is, “So what?” But for some parents of toddler boys who want to dress in clothes that the general public says are only “girls’ clothes,” it can be confusing and worrisome. I know, because that was me 24 years ago. And it can still trigger concern today. I know that because I got a letter from a dad recently whose four-year-old son was wearing his mom’s heels, wrapping a towel around his head for hair, and pretending  other clothes were a skirt. He wrote: “This is all so new to us. My wife and I are very concerned about him getting teased and bullied if he expresses any of this in preschool or out in public. "He's asked to grow his hair longer and we've agreed to allow him to do that. But as for the heels we told him yesterday that he's getting older and can't wear mommy's clothes anymore. Seems to be ok with it. Still loves to hold a scarf because it has tassels at the end and he sees it as hair or pretends it's a girl. It’s probably his version of a doll since we don't have any of those. Please pass along any advice you could share. We want our son to be happy, but also don't want him teased.” I appreciated this dad Roger’s letter so much. It took me back a couple of decades to the time Harry’s dad and I were worried about him being teased or bullied for the same reasons. We wanted our child to be happy, too, and I shared that with Roger. Here’s the rest of my reply: “From my point of view, a kid’s happiness comes from the freedom to be and express who they know themselves to be. And it sounds like Justin is a boy who likes expressing the so-called “feminine” side of his whole being. It took me years to recognize that each child – each adult – has traits that our society has deem as either masculine or feminine, but they’re really just the characteristics that make a complete person. [caption id="attachment_4388" align="aligncenter" width="405"] Harry, age 4, feeling pinkalicious.[/caption] “While I understand you want to protect Justin, I think it’s important that you not become Justin’s first bully by not allowing him to do or -- as I think you so accurately stated -- ‘express’ his likes or dislikes regarding clothes, toys or colors. We’ve been taught those things have a gender, so there may be a little unlearning to do on your part. “If Justin is in preschool, I wonder if they have a ‘dress-up corner,’ or ‘drama corner.’ Many do, as imaginary play is important for kids. Maybe providing a dress-up box for Justin would allow him some freedom to explore himself. I made a lot of mistakes with Harry, but I tried to guide myself so that I never made Harry feel like his outlets of expression in play were ‘wrong’ or something he shouldn’t be doing. “And I’m all for boys having a baby doll, because I think caring and nurturing play is going to help them be better fathers some day. "Perhaps the best way for you to protect Justin at preschool is to talk to the administrators and ask what they teach about gender expression. And how do they handle children teasing those who express outside the rigid gender boxes? It’s kids like yours who are going to bust all those myths, not just for other children, but for adults, too. At some point you may have to explain to Justin that while some people think there are ‘girls’ colors’ and ‘girls’ toys,’ there really is no such thing. And that may take examining your own beliefs, too. I recognize that I had a double standard when it came to those things. “There are two wonderful books I recommend you and your wife read. The first is called Gender Born, Gender Made, by Dr. Diane Ehrensaft, the developmental and clinical psychologist who wrote the foreword to My  Son Wears Heels.  The other is Raising My Rainbow, by Lori Duron.  I only wish I’d had those books when Harry was two. While I want to be able to help you in whatever way I can, I can tell you that the love you have for Justin will be your best guide.” Ideally the parents of gender-nonconforming or gender creative children will become gender creative parents, giving their kids the freedom and time to explore their inner gender self. I hope little girl who wants the thrill of waving a light saber and every toddler boy who wants the chance to cradle a baby doll gets their wish. Because in the end, those freedoms mean they’ll feel loved, safe, and valued. [caption id="attachment_4412" align="aligncenter" width="343"] Harry, right, in one of his most creative headdresses.[/caption] IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE THESE: "When gender nonconforming means not fitting in." "Don't expect gender-nonconforming kids to conform. Ever." "Transgender & gender-nonconforming kids are just...kids."

[caption id="attachment_4368" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Prancing Elite Tim, being challenged by friends for her gender expression.[/caption] I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. As I lurched for the remote, my dinner plate teetered on the edge of the table that separated me from the TV screen across the room. Just as I hit the pause button, Harry’s key to my apartment turned in the lock. “Harry!” I sang, excited to see the grown kid I consider my top Valentine walk through the door. “How are you, honey? The package you ordered is on the stool at the breakfast bar.” “Thanks, Mom,” Harry said, sitting down opposite me to open his latest UPS delivery. “Sorry I’m late. Angel wanted to stop at the Pat Field’s sale.” “No worries. I’m watching The Prancing Elites Project before the Democratic debate starts. And reality TV or not, I’m still a little shaken – horrified, really – by how the show opened.” What do you mean?” Harry asked. “Well, Tim, who identifies as a woman, gets challenged by two of her gender-nonconforming teammates who think she should be taking female hormones or having boob surgery so she can 'portray herself' the way they think the world expects a trans woman to present.” “Ugh. Really?” “Here, I’ll play it for you," I said. "It’s all in the first three minutes of the show.” I cringed as Tim’s dance teammate Adrian asked if she wanted to “be this way” for the rest of her life. “And what if you meet a guy, Tim, and he says that you’re not fully transgender? ’Cause you’re not respecting the image you’re trying to put on.”

That's called internalized transphobia.

There's no physical requirement to what a woman is. That doesn't exist.

(This piece was published on  HuffPost.) I applauded and breathed "yessss" as an explosion of rainbow-hued virtual fireworks filled my apartment. My party-of-one celebration was triggered by the email I received Tuesday from  HuffPost welcoming me to its "Queer Voices" page. Yep, HuffPost Gay Voices had changed to HuffPost Queer Voices, and this was huge. The editorial staff had embraced inclusivity and given voice to a word that I believed would be empowering to many of today's youth. I'm not a queer person, but I have tried to understand the term and see it from a broad perspective.

As the mom of a child who defies labeling, queer gives my son a place in a richly diverse community of people living as their authentic selves.

[caption id="attachment_4297" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Harry's rainbow ice, Hawaii 1994[/caption] The social media maven here at My Son Wears Heels, Naomi Waxman, who I’m proud to say is now also a TA at Marquette University, is back from a trip to Hawaii with a guest blog that takes a look at beauty and gender in our 50^th state. My mom’s family lives on the island Oahu. I don’t get to visit very often, but whenever I do I try to learn something new about Hawaiian culture. I remember how often I would see rainbows around the island, and my grandmother taught me that Hawaii is considered the rainbow capital of the world. I typically associate rainbows with a flag waving proudly in a parade or the magical route to a pot of gold, but rainbows hold special meaning in Hawaiian culture. [caption id="attachment_4300" align="aligncenter" width="498"] Waikiki Harbor, by Naomi[/caption] According to folklore, they are a walkway for the gods, a celestial path by which they may visit Earth. The rainbow represents a means of journeying from one world into the next. Much like the transformation of dark clouds into a stunning rainbow, Native Hawaiians understood there were people within their culture whose gender identity empowered them to take on essential societal roles. Often assigned male at birth, māhū people donned  women’s dress and were entrusted with protecting and celebrating Kanaka Maoli (Native Hawaiian) culture. They acted as spiritual leaders, healers, educators, and Hula instructors. Māhū are the keepers of their history and rituals. Passing their knowledge to the next generation, they play an essential role in the survival of Kanaka Maoli culture. The arrival of Christian missionaries in the 1800s had a profound impact on Hawaiian culture, and the importance and beauty of māhū was utterly lost. These travelers feared what they did not understand, and māhū were increasingly stigmatized and excluded from society. The term itself became a slur. Through my research I became familiar with the māhū teacher Kumu Hina, who has elevated understanding about the continuing role that māhū play in modern Hawaiian society. Through a wonderful PBS documentary as well as the Hawaiian anti-bullying initiative A Place in the Middle, Kumu Hina and her “in-the-middle” students reveal not only the complexity of gender identity, but also the damage inflicted when sacred rituals and ideas are torn away from a people. [caption id="attachment_4304" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Image courtesy of kumuhina.com[/caption] In the māhū tradition, Kumu Hina has chosen to dedicate herself to teaching young Hawaiians how to keep their history and rituals alive. Chants are the oral history of Hawaii and play a fundamental role in Kumu Hina’s lessons, as do hula dances, which, as in their original conception, are religious performances. The students learn how to honor Hawaiian gods and goddesses through dance. According to Kumu Hina:

“My purpose in this lifetime is to pass on the true meaning of aloha: love, honor, and respect. It’s a responsibility that I take very seriously.”

 “Love is the biggest thing that we should always teach our children…if you love a person for who they are and let them be who they are, that’s the whole circle, right?”

On the firsts of January while we were married, my son Harry’s dad always wrote down his New Year’s resolutions. He had vision, firmness of purpose and clarity for what he wanted to accomplish in the year ahead. My list, on the other hand, was more of a mental sticky note of desired behaviors. To be more positive, more patient and less hard on myself usually topped the list. They were things I didn’t want to admit needed work, so I keep them in my head. That list didn’t change much over the years, and certainly held fast in the early ‘90s when toddler Harry was a boy who loved Barbie dolls, the color pink and anything sparkly or glittery. But I wish I’d had then a list of suggested New Year’s resolutions I didn’t discover until almost two decades later, when Harry was about to graduate from high school. And like my unwritten bullet points, they focused on attitudes and feelings. I’ve adopted the short list as my own and recommend it to anyone, especially to parents of children who color outside society’s gender boxes of pink and blue. It’s a reminder that we're capable of being exactly who our child needs in their life to become a hopeful, confident, resilient and optimistic adult. And instilled in our kids, the ideas on this list affirm that they are exactly who they're meant to be. [caption id="attachment_4282" align="aligncenter" width="406"] Harry as the Karate Kid, January 1995[/caption] So now that we’re at the end of this first week of 2016, feel free to add these four suggestions to your own list of goals or resolutions for the New Year. I’m pretty sure that no matter what you have going on today, you’re going to feel good just reading it.

1. I will approve of myself, my characteristics, my abilities, my likes and dislikes, my inclinations and disinclinations, realizing that these form my unique individuality. I have them for a reason.

2. I will approve of and rejoice in my accomplishments, and I will be as vigorous in listing these – as rigorous in remembering them – as I have ever been in remembering and enumerating my failures or lacks of accomplishment.

3. I will remember the tremendous energy, joyful spontaneity, possibilities and potential that lie within me to create that which I can imagine for myself.

4. I will realize that the future is a probability. In terms of everyday experiences, nothing exists there yet. It is virgin territory, planted by my feelings and thoughts in the present. Therefore I will plant accomplishments and successes, and I will do this by focusing on how I want and expect the future to be for me.

[caption id="attachment_4247" align="aligncenter" width="375"] Meeting Jacob Tobia for a hot chocolate, February 2015[/caption] You clicked. And the social media analytics mavens took note. The most popular posts of the year here at My Son Wears Heels were headlined with words I see remaining big news in 2016. Public awareness and understanding of what it means to be LGBTQ will continue to grow. The educated won’t tolerate homophobes, certainly not at the dinner table. And those who identify outside the traditionally accepted ideas of male and female, like articulate genderqueer activist Jacob Tobia, will help bridge gaps of knowledge and broaden national discourse. Before we scroll past 2015, I hope you’ll click on any of the year’s top posts that you didn’t get a chance to see. 1. Getting through the holidays with homophobic relatives. [caption id="attachment_4183" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Harry & me, Christmas 2008[/caption] 2. My nonbinary kid's awesome dad. [caption id="attachment_3645" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Harry & Ken, 1995[/caption] 3. Gender + discombobulation = Panti Bliss [caption id="attachment_4248" align="aligncenter" width="375"] Gender discombobulation at its best, June 2015[/caption] 4. My queer kid's loving aunt remembered. [caption id="attachment_682" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Aunt Shirley & Harry, 1997[/caption] 5. The (genderqueer) kid I never expected. [caption id="attachment_4250" align="aligncenter" width="407"] Harry's high school senior ID photo, Sept. 2007[/caption] Anything you'd like me to share here in 2016? leave a note in "Comments" below. Happy New Year to you and yours! IF YOU LIKED THIS POST YOU’LL PROBABLY ALSO LIKE: "A 2014 round-up of most popular posts on My Son Wears Heels."

[caption id="attachment_4233" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Harry & me, Christmas 2008[/caption] In this season of peace, love and understanding, it’s easy to forget that some LGBTQ+ youth and their parents dread holiday family get-togethers. Relatives who aren’t supportive or who are openly homophobic can trigger hurt feelings and unspoken tension. Let's face it, getting through the holidays with homophobic relatives can be tough. The good folks at My Kid Is Gay asked me to help a mother deal with the anger she’s built up towards relatives who have been incredibly offensive at Christmastime since her 18-year-old daughter came out several years ago. "I can't seem to get over it and no longer have good relationships with any of these people,” wrote the mom. “I feel so hurt and don't know how to handle holidays because I don't want to pretend it's ok when I have to be around them." My reply required digging deep. Family is family. But feeling good and protecting your child, no matter what their age, will always drive my advice: If these were my relatives, I wouldn’t want to be around them either! I’m concerned about your emotional state, and I’m preoccupied with how your relatives’ openly offensive comments affect your daughter’s well-being, because family members are supposed to love and accept each other for who they are. Regardless of the season, family gatherings should be safe spaces.

When relatives are bullies.

You have options for handling the holidays.

Limiting what you put up with.

It is not every mom who can smile while reminiscing about her kid’s holiday projectile vomiting. I assure you that during those unfortunately timed episodes, my son Harry’s puke was about as humorous as the green slime Linda Blair spewed into the face of that cute priest in The Exorcist. But in hindsight, chuckling at the Science of Parenthood pie chart above, I can look back at how comical a few holiday barf sessions actually were.

EMERGENCY FLASHERS ON

NOT ON MY BLANKET

THE "'SCIENCE'

Anyone who thinks science is trying to make human life easier or more pleasant is utterly mistaken. ~Albert Einstein

[caption id="attachment_4164" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Harry & me on the last night of Hanukkah, 1998[/caption]

MOVE OVER SCROOGE