(A version of this piece also appears on HuffPost.)
Pronoun usage was just confusing at times. I’d noticed my kid Harry and his friends often used gender pronouns interchangeably, whether in or out of drag. But after much discussion, I learned that gender-specific pronouns are personal.
“So, Harry,” I said, during a phone conversation last fall with my then-23-year-old son, “How come Facebook says you’re my daughter?”
He burst out laughing.
“Why is that so funny?”
“It just is, Mom.”
Later I saw he had tweeted the question in quote marks attributed to me.
Sometimes I have to think through the ideas of gender identity and gender expression, even though my son has fallen somewhere on the trans* spectrum since he was two. That’s when he told me, “Inside my head I’m a girl.” Growing up, he wanted to wear clothes that society deemed appropriate only for girls, yet was happy with his assigned gender as a boy.
Oddly though, I didn’t know the terms “gender identity,” “gender expression” and “assigned gender” back then. It’s vocabulary I’ve come to understand only in the past several years. Along with the use of gender-specific pronouns.
These days Harry, who identifies as genderqueer, describes himself as a trans-media artist, meaning he works across and between different mediums, including photography, performance and video. Amber Alert is his drag performance alter ego. Whenever I saw Amber, I’d think of her as “she.” But without the wigs, body padding and makeup, I thought of my son as “he,” even if he were wearing an Escada skirt with black pumps.
I figured Harry’s use of feminine pronouns on Facebook was because he wanted to focus his social media profile on Amber, whose name appears in parentheses underneath his.
But I’d noticed he and his friends often use pronouns interchangeably, whether in or out of drag.
Last January, Harry and I were in the front row for the Q&A following Isabella Rossellini’s performance of Green Porno at the Brooklyn Academy of Music (BAM). The moderator spotted Harry’s hand raised and said, “She’s got a question here.”
Harry stood, wearing a black jumpsuit with rhinestones embellishments. His hair was in a high ponytail. As the moderator approached with the microphone, she must have spotted Harry’s cropped beard, because she said, “Oh, I mean he’s got a question.”
“That’s okay,” Harry assured her nonchalantly. “She or he, both work for me.”
I wondered if Harry was so unruffled about being identified as female because it’s been happening to him since he was 11. I remember chaperoning his fifth-grade class on a museum field trip. Harry wore tie-dye then, and his hair was shoulder length. He raised his hand to ask a question and was called on as “the young lady in the back.”
“I’M A BOY!” he retorted, much to the amusement of his classmates.
That night at BAM I realized that gender pronouns didn’t matter to Harry. He’d told me he identifies as genderqueer because he consciously rejects the binary labeling of “man” or “woman.” So it follows that he wouldn’t care what pronouns other people use, because other people don’t affect his identity.
I admire my kid’s outlook. He identifies as an individual first, as we all are, and he’s chosen how he identifies, as we should all have the freedom to do.
This week on Facebook I noticed that Harry is now my “child” and has a new gender pronoun.
“Harry, why is ‘they’ your pronoun now on Facebook?”
“Because it’s the only non-gendered pronoun available.”
“What about ‘zie’?” I asked.
I’d read about the gender pronoun “zie,” and its corresponding “zir,” “zimself” and “zirself” while Harry was in college.
“Those terms aren’t really used that much, Mom. I think they have more of a liberal academic connotation.”
“Really?” I asked, hinting at disappointment. “I kind of liked those new words.”
I’d imagined them part of everyday language. We revived “Ms.” in the ‘70s as a title for women, instead of the only options “Miss” or “Mrs.”
I have to admit I do like the gender pronoun “they” for Harry. It suits the individual he is, who identifies and expresses as both Harry and Amber. And as a mom with just one child, I feel lucky to have both a “son” and a “daughter.” But the reality is that neither “he,” “she,” nor “they” perfectly encapsulates Harry or Amber. This may be frustrating for the purists out there, but practically speaking it makes perfect sense: people are more than their pronouns.
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That photo is gorg! He is “they!” You see it in the self portrait. Love it.
I’m crazy about that photo, too! Harry sure knows how to capture all of himself in a portrait. Thanks for writing, Kat. xo
I love that photo, too, Kat. Harry sure knows how to capture himself in a portrait. You’re a peach for commenting. Thanks! xo
Beautiful and genderwonderful!!!!!! ‘nuf said.
Genderwonderful is my new fave word! xox
What an amazing photo of Harry! He is one beautiful person inside and out. I think that kudos go to you and his dad for all the love and support you gave him to be who he is and I am sure that was not always an easy journey. I sat at a wedding table last weekend with a gay gentleman who was so funny and kind. He and his sister told me that they could never tell their parents he was gay or they would disown him (cultural). I felt so heart broken for him knowing that he could not tell the people who should love him unconditionally who he really was. I read your articles and wish that all parents of gay people could have a “Julie and Ken.” I have said before, you’re a great mother and what a beautiful person Harry has become knowing he had parents that, no matter what, would love him/her through his life and with all the support he needs.
Thanks for all of your kind words, Laura. Raising Harry was definitely a journey, and his dad and I were so fortunate to have him as our beacon on the parenthood trail. I think Harry’s always known who he was, and it was our job to keep up! I’m so saddened by your story of the gentleman at the wedding who can’t be his authentic self with his parents for fear of rejection. I get upset when I think about him growing up and the kids/teens who probably cry themselves to sleep with the anxiety that comes from feeling you must hide who you are. Like many other moms out there, I’m hoping to educate some of those misguided parents with the goal of helping all kids be loved for who they are inside. I think you’re a pretty cool mom yourself. xo
hi julie! I found your blog through the “it gets better” facebook page. as of a few months ago, my now 11 year old son began really examining his gender expression & identity and currently identifies as both male and female. it’s been stressful at times, but also very interesting. i haven’t had a very easy time finding parents with kids (particularly AMAB kids) who hang out in the middle of the gender spectrum so i am very glad to find your blog and will now set about eating it up! 🙂
I’m so happy to hear from you, Patti! And thanks to you, I now know that “AMAB” stands for “a male at birth.” Hadn’t seen that before. 🙂 I do understand the stressful, but interesting times… It’s definitely a journey raising a child whose thoughts are on the leading edge. And props to you that your son feels so free to express what he knows about his inner self. Keep listening; he’ll tell you all you need to know. <3 Julie xo
Great Post!!! I love the honesty and how your unconditional love shows through!!! Can’t wait to read more!
Thanks very much for your comment, PJ! What a wonderful start to my week. So glad you’re eager for more. 🙂 xo